“If you dream of clear deep water, then your life will run smoothly, things are going to be as easy in life”

Look, I’m as much of a cynic as cynics get.

But I had a really nice dream last night. So naturally I Googled what it meant.

Seemed pretty nice to me. I would love for it to be true.

It’s been months since I’ve had a NICE dream. Usually they are not totally full blown nightmares – but just disturbing dreams of my parents.

This one was two random strangers I met in the hippy side of Topanga. Looks like they were a couple. They were both very attractive.

I liked their energy. We talked. They had just moved to this cute little house in the woods. Nestled off the canyon towards the beach.

Somehow I was there. I had no idea why, or how?

But soon enough I asked one question which led to another and they wanted to show me something they really enjoy doing. They had a name for it that I can’t remember.

But the woman said her boyfriend or husband does this a lot. Climbs mountains where there isn’t necessarily a trail. He does it barefoot and requires a lot of grabbing branches to get to where you want to go.

My instant thought was, well where are you going to go and what do you plan on seeing without a trail or direction.

She said curiosity leads to adventure which leads to beautiful findings.

Then we started climbing the mountain in their backyard.

We climbed and climbed and climbed. The hike looked strenuous but did not feel strenuous – granted I was asleep in dreamland, duh.

But once we got to the top, with the guy leading us, the woman turned around, lended me her hand and had such a warm smile.

I could tell they had been there before because the man pulled some vines out of the way, out of the rock – and as we went through a tunnel, the man jumped off what seemed like a sudden drop.

At first I thought he fell. But then I heard a splash.

When I approached the white light through the small, narrow and dark tunnel, I looked down first and then to the sides and all around.

It seemed like a castle – but not a home, was built in the rock. As part of the mountain’s foundation. Random smooth platforms you could not get to from the tunnel. Which made me wonder how I could go explore those platforms with wrought iron and perfect, long rectangular, marble slapped into the rock.

The best way I could describe it was as if an intricate marble balcony was made for a giant.

The whole time we did not speak on this adventure. It’s almost like we spoke through our energy.

Then the woman jumped and I was left alone for a moment. I soaked in the beauty of where they had just brought me to.

The ocean was so blue, for miles. The sun was shining bright. It was warm. And the cave was so dark. The side of the mountain was so intriguing and unusual. I couldn’t get over it.

And there was no shore down below.

No beach. Just water.

In that moment my feelings were so weightless. And I felt them calling me from under the water. I knew i had to jump. I wanted to. But I also wanted to stay up there as well. It was so beautiful. Yet I jumped anyway.

It was amazing. I felt like I was really there.

The warmth. There was so much warmth. Spiritually, physically, emotionally and visually.

And I tell you, visually WOW….. only in a dream. I would love to go back there again.

When I was underwater, it was extremely clear and the crystal blue water was so deep. You could not see the bottom.

We were the only ones there too. No fish around either. No birds in the sky when we were up in the mountain. There were no animals at all.

I felt so small in this big ocean. We were so deep in there. It was calm and beautiful.

I was able to look around again. The deep blue ocean stretched for miles underwater.

The sheer openness was so vast and majestic. I felt like I was truly in heaven. Maybe even in some parallel world. Not right off Topanga. Hah!

The silence, the warmth, the scenery, and the energy was my biggest takeaway.

The way it made me feel.

But then we swam up to the surface…

and before I reached to the top……..

– I woke up.

What a therapeutic dream. Give me more. I could stay there forever.

The other day I had witnessed yet another suicide. From my previous post about a month ago, someone jumped off the building across from my work – this time… someone jumped off the building across from my apartment.

A loud gate-like thud onto a metal awning –

I think after hearing it twice, the distinct sound of a dozen bones snapping violently
is charred into my memory. Like breaking branches in the fall.

As I watched out my balcony, cops and firefighters shined flashlights over the twisted body. It was so obvious. The whole block was observing. Ten or so people just standing on the curb in utter shock.

For me, I wondered if I was jaded based off the first suicide I witnessed.

Most people don’t even see ONE in their lifetime. I now had seen two in such a short span of time.

Maybe I wasn’t jaded at all. I was bitter. But why?

I got into a spiff with guy I was talking to at the time.

That night, we argued over a grumpy comment I had made.

It was about the people standing outside after the body, ambulance, cops, firefighters and everything was over. The scene was done.

All I said, was “Why the fuck are they still out there?”

He took this as a mean comment, which sure – may sound like it at face value. But I was just speaking out loud. I did not intend for it to be mean. I just didn’t understand. I didn’t comprehended.

Why were they still there. Conversating.

To me it was like beating a dead horse. I didn’t get it. To think this is how some people cope – because I don’t cope.

I suppose it was just a comment out of frustration.

After I made the comment and we argued, I went to go let my dog outside for a minute.

When I came back, he was gone.

The next day I woke up and checked my bank account. I knew I was getting paid.

And just like most folks, bills have yet to be handled.

I sent my roommate some money I owed him.

Paid my credit card off.

Put money aside for rent.

Paid some bills.

And then – was left with almost nothing for two weeks.

Had nothing to throw into my small savings.

My anxiety was already high. Lingering from the night prior. A combination of the boy, the fight, the death and now the debt.

My bank account was no longer flourishing. And it seemed like I was under paid. So at work I decided to check the breakdown of my hours.

They weren’t paying me for my overtime. And they were cutting some of my hours each day.

Jesus….

This isn’t the first time either I’ve worked at a company that has done that. Is it really that crucial to save a few bucks and just say “oops” to the employee. Thinking they would not notice? Makes me not trust cooperate companies enough as it is….

Later that day I got chewed out by a woman in my office. She’s always so hostile to me and everyone in the office is starting to notice.

One girl said, “Man you’re very patient”. And proceeded to tell me that I should speak to my boss and have this situation handled so she would get off my back. To stop being rude to me for no reason.

I told her I wouldn’t even bother.

Why? Because that makes her win. Not to mention, what’s my boss going to do? Set a meeting up with the three of us…

Make it awkward.

And she’ll just proceed to kindly point out her point of view and mention that she was only trying to explain something. That woman would do it with a smile. Play the nice card.

Some people just know how to play the game.

And I choose not to participate. So yea – I guess I am patient.

I’ve always thought I was a generally patient person, however I’m not very patient with myself.

After two days of anxiety, stress and just an overall bad 24 hours…. I had some time to reflect on how I was taking things.

I caught myself talking to some friends via text.

Explaining my bad day.

And I noticed that it was almost like I was just trying to find reasons to be unhappy.

I was literally listing all the things that were bothering me and when I noticed it was really just 3 temporary things, I stepped back and realized it’s just a bad day. Sure, I still feel lonely a lot of times and sad – but it doesn’t have to be that way.

I guess I just have to keep trying. That’s all you really can do anyway.

And then I had an epiphany. I have to try harder! Not just shrug my shoulders and say it.

You know when you’re driving and someone super slow is in front of you? Usually most people blurt somethings stupid out.

“Can you move over fucker?!”

“CAN YOU GO ANY SLOWER?”

“I’M ABOUT TO RUN YOU OFF THE ROAD!”

DUDE. It could be anything and in the moment – but do most people mean it? I’d like to think of course not.

Of course I would not reallyyyy run someone off the road for no reason. Just cause I’m ticked. But I sure as hell think it’s okay to have a thought like that sometimes.

We’re human! We get ticked.

Another example –

“Man that guy smells. He smells like a sewer rat…gosh take a bath”

My brain: “What if he just lost his home and is trying to get back on his feet… what if he does not have access to a shower. What if he was just out working in the lawn and he JUST needed a shovel from target?”

Damn.. woman… chill…..

Another scenario.

“Man that girl is pretty…but she needs to loose like 30 pounds.”

Brain: “Leave her alone. Let her do what she wants with her body. Stop judging so much! Maybe she’s working on it, but maybe she isn’t – just stop body shaming!”

And tons of similar scenarios.

I judge, and judge, and judge….

Yet, people all judge. Even those who say they don’t – judge silently.

I didn’t mean anything by being mad at my neighbors the night of the suicide.

But I don’t think I am a bad person. I really am understanding even though I may not exactly follow the elementary school “think before you speak” slogan. I guess I should try harder.

And I apologize for hurting feelings. But behind any comment has some truth.

Look – I by no means am perfect. When I am out alone, I look at other people’s imperfections and say it to myself. Or maybe when I’m bored at a meeting…. I am silently judging you. However, I am very aware that others might be judging me too.

Shit, I judge myself a ton as well: I could loose some weight. I fucked up and box dyed my hair like a retarded teenager this time, I need to get it re-done. I have a shit ton of lint on my black clothes from my dog. It looks like I rolled out of bed. Where is my brush? Fuck… I forgot to put deodorant on this morning. Do I smell? Idiot. What an idiot. Who’s the idiot? …fucking me.

Then when I say something dumb in a meeting that has no merit or meaning. Wow. Even more dumb. Go crawl under a rock and die.

Yeah, I say shit like that to myself… but do I mean it?! No – thought sometimes there is some truth to it.

Maybe next time be more prepared before you plan on saying something in the meeting. Also wake up earlier and make sure you look fine for work. Don’t forget your lint roller and hey…. everyone forgets to put on deodorant sometimes. Keep an extra one in your bag. Or some perfume at your desk drawer. Something.

You can do better.

In a nutshell, I don’t think humans are inherently bad. But there are bad people out there. And I understand them too. A murderer or a rapist – as fucked up as they are, in their head they did what they thought was right. In their head that is what they needed. Obviously they act this way for a reason – maybe they got raped when they were younger – over and over, and it’s like a payback to the world or just what they are use to. Maybe it’s a chemical imbalance in their brains. Their reasons, even if they are fucked up – are valid if they’re not inherently malicious.

Everything has a purpose and a reason.

Good and bad and ying and yang. Good and bad people. It all works out. You have to have a little bit here and there. Without one there really can’t be the other. I mean would anyone know any better?

Then there’s the people that are trying to figure out if they are a good or bad person.

As a kid I grew up with a racist, homophobic, and extremely judgmental old soviet union dad. And I had a extremely kind, loving, compassionate, caring, nurturing mother….. who was easily influenced by my father’s negativity and lashful comments.

And I was a young kid that had some of these things rub off on me. Naturally.

I was only a kid though.

And as an adult, I want to be better. And I’m confident I will be with time.

Had someone merely asked me if I really felt like that person was ugly…..I wouldn’t bat an eye and say OF COURSE NOT.

To me, they may not be personally attractive, but I am sure they are beautiful in their own unique way. I would love to get to know their backstory and fall in love with who they really are.

Gosh. If only people knew I’m not a jerk. I grew up with an awful role model for that aspect of my life.

My dad was very judgmental. But he also grew up with tons of speed bumps as a child which shaped him into who he is today. He did not have a father really. His mother neglected his attention.

I feel bad for him. I wish we could get along. But it’s extremely painful accepting a narcissist. Although, I’m not sure if he is changing based on our few bleak conversations over the years. I do think though, he is realizing all of the mistakes as he lives alone in his mother’s St. Petersburg home. There was a long time where he grew into this grumpy, mean old man. One who was not really accepting. Not nurturing or kind. Well, kind….in a weird way that he thought was right.

I don’t know that he ever wanted to be that kind of guy. I sure hope not. I think at the core he’s a good person that just wants to be loved. I know he’s lonely. But it’s toxic talking with him and it pains me. I think it’s easier just to stay away from him. He does not think about how his words may hurt people and how the things he says and has said is out of line….a lot of times. Especially towards me.

Sigh….

But on the contrary, I have my mother to thank for my true deep roots of good morale.

Gosh I miss her.

I need to be more like her. But still me….because I am not just a 50/50 blend of my folks. I have to remember what mom taught me, because she had an interesting way of teaching. I just observed her grace in any situation, never loosing her cool. MAN that is a skill. And my father the opposite, blowing up every other day like a nuke. It was pretty conflicting having such opposite parents.

How the hell they stayed together blows my mind to this day. I know for a fact they argued so much, I begged my mom to divorce him when I saw how much he made her cry behind closed doors. But never in front of him. She was so strong. She was diplomatic.

Man, I could go on a rant about how great my mom was. But she had flaws too.

Either way, I need to be better. Especially with the flaws I obtained from my father especially.

Why?

So my children will be better people.

I would hate for them to feel the way I did when my father would say an awfully harsh comment to me about an innocent bystander. Or degrade the waitress for the way she talked, looked, and was in the weeds during the lunch rush. I would always tell my dad – “dude, cut her a break.”

The racist jokes.

The Jew jokes.

The gay shaming.

Yet worst of all was denying it all. Making it into a big joke and to be told to lighten up.

Yet I do some of the things that he did back then. Definitely on a MUCH lighter scale.

I use to straighten myself up real fast when a judgmental thought raced through my head that clumped people into a category.

I get chills thinking how much worse of a person I could have been if I didn’t have my own strong personality and backbone. Could you imagine if I actually believed what he was telling me?

HATE is taught, man…. I believe that ever so genuinely.

And I swear I will not have children until I am a better person.

Judgement is such a tough thing to master. Because there is good and bad and every kind of judgement in between.

Just feeling inclined to write.

I guess my last post was something along the same lines of what I’ll probably write here.

The only difference is this video.

First of all, I love both of these guys. Such characters and so much truth said in this podcast. Skip to the 40 minute mark if you’re not into watching the whole thing – although I think you should.

Going day in and day out of a job you hate. Most people do it anyway and just say,”I’m an adult…. and this is what you do.”

Could I have a straight job? Absolutely not.

Sure those people are courageous for being under the cooperate umbrella, pounding, putting away many hours of overtime, grinding out the cooperate requests.

It’s painful.

But I think you just know when that lifestyle isn’t for you.

Either Henry or Joe said something in this podcast that really hit me today.

Both jobs, both routes are painful.

The pain of uncertainty in a fun and unusual job. The pain of weird things being thrown your way in a non-traditional job.

But being in an florescent office, staring at a screen and feeling your heart and soul getting crushed – 0r in my case, my brain deteriorating.

I think I’m starting to realize I would take the pain of the latter.

I’d rather be on my feet for hours doing all sorts of other odd things and feel my legs buzzing at the end of the day, rather than feeling the empty pain inside from the nothingness at work.

Joe Rogan said it’s a droning existence. The repetitive hum and buzz of a straight job.

Henry agreed that he doesn’t want it.

And I’m on board with those two. They have great points.

I don’t want it either, and I’m not sure why it took me so long to realize that. Maybe I too had the mantra of “I’m an adult, and this is just what you do” in my head.

So so so so SO WRONG.

Crazy how some things just click in your head. A song, a form of art, a conversation with someone, a podcast, a revelation, a Eureka moment….

This podcast did it. It sealed the deal. And I think I was starting to realize it when I worked in Chatsworth as a product developer as my first real 9-5 job.

This job too is a 9-5 cooperate job in a big multi story building. However it’s for a marketing department which is fun…. well – more fun than what i’m use to.

So now I have a few levels of cooperate america I can compare to. And I’m not totally a fan of any varying degrees of it.

However, come to think about it, in result of this I’ve had a ton of interesting jobs.

From my first job to now, I have been –

An usher at the movie theater

A janitor

A lifeguard

A swim instructor, teaching adults and children (one of my more rewarding jobs… for the soul)

An manager at a luxury fitness facility

A Jeweler, where I held heavy and ornate $60,000 rings, 100,000 pave necklaces, designer jewelry, all of it, you name it.

I worked across from the White House at a historic hotel

I worked in downtown Alexandria, VA

I have bartended all around.

Downtown Raleigh, hip rock and roll bars, ratchet gucci mane bars (LOL), intimate japanese izakaya bars and even luxury resorts up in the mountains of Malibu.

I’ve met cool people. I’ve worked the Emmys and had the opportunity to work the Oscars since I have moved to California.

I put the fear behind – and just did it.

I remember countless days sitting on the guard stand at the gym waiting on that “Eureka moment”.

It’s all coming together now.

All the retired folks and even some people my age, or slightly older, say that you should invest time into a company for the “benefits” the job security, the insurance, the PTO, etc… etc…yada yada.

But to be honest, when I was bartending and working long late night hours, I was happier. I think I really didn’t worry about any of that. Not like I used it anyway. If one day I can afford health insurance, I will. For now, I don’t. And if I need a day off – I asked my boss at the bar.

For instance when I was a swimmer, I wasn’t very fast usually… but when I put my mind to it, I actually was. I was faster than anyone on my team! I just was never in that total “attack” mode phase. I wasn’t feeling it most days. Just like most days I’m not feeling my office job unless I’m on a roll being busy and crushing tasks.

So I think I’m becoming very hungry for that dream job and that dream life.

I think it’s going to happen very soon. Right around the corner.

10 months into living in California, I have a great apartment and roommate set up where I can afford my bills. I have a decent job that’s great for my resume.

Never settle on a job, a man, or a lifestyle.

Makes me remember all the shit I use to say in grade school.

“Keep it classy, not trashy”

“An optimistic pessimist”

“A walking oxymoron”

and boy – probably the best thing I told myself when I was young is never fucking settle.

People say it a lot, but do they mean it?

I’m still stubborn as I’ve ever been, if not more.

Miss ya mom. Wish you could see me now – I only hope wherever we go when we die, wherever you are, I hope you know things are going to work out.

Oh it’s a grind for sure.

Grinding my teeth.

Getting my work done in 2-3 hours instead of eight.

Countless days I just sit here and wait for work to come my way.

Only so I can get it done and be done….

I like to work. But I don’t like to sit around and wait for work.

Being efficient is so crucial to me. Because I value my time.

I wish the cooperate world would figure this out already.

Someone once told me you work 9-5 so technically if they need you for anything during those hours, you’re available and sitting in front of a computer, at a desk, ready to go….

But no job description says that.

Like hey, here we will pay you X amount just to be here 9-5 Monday through Friday.

Honestly, you could pay me less but let me work as the work comes. If that makes any sense. I want to get it done, but I also want to do a lot of other things.

Maybe I’m just not meant for the cooperate world. Then again, I wonder who is?

Even folks who are in their late 40s and early 50s. Do they really like the grind?

I mean then again they probably put in even more hours in. But why?

Besides inefficient and useless meetings that run far too long, the never ending emails, and other little things – I think they too should be able to manage their time.

But every boss I’ve had is flustered. Overworked. And tired.

Shoot. Give me that job with that salary and a little bit of say in things. Sure I know i’d have to be diplomatic, but believe me – I’ll show the cooperate world how to be efficient.

Mechanics for instance.

I preach this theory of mine over and over.

They get a job on a car that is quoted to take 10 hours of labor. But if they bust their butt and work hard – if they get the job done in 4 hours, they get paid for the full 10 hours anyway.

Thus either giving them more time to go and do other jobs, OR….just enjoy their free time. Right? Go home, go hang with friends and family, work on hobbies that they have interests in, whatever it might be.

Probably much happier in the end.

Is there a way to implement that into other jobs?

Ok I have had zero emails since 9:30am. All my tasks have been completed since last week. I’m waiting on PO’s to be approved by accounting. Events are all handled…..

Can I go home? And if you need me, my phone get’s emails….. I can do most things through my phone or if I have to – I can just bring my work laptop anywhere I go.

No. Gotta stay put.

Not sure how long I’ll last.

To think that I have had so many people tell me “It is what it is.” Enjoy not doing anything at work.

WHAT?! How?

Morally it feels wrong first of all just sitting here being “on call” basically and not doing anything.

I have friends who too work in the cooperate world and they watch shows, podcasts, and even FULL movies at work.

That’s insane and so inefficient with your time. Not to mention then they want to go home and stare at yet another screen… watch more TV? No thanks! So not me.

The list of things I would rather be doing…

• drawing
• painting
• pottery
• learning lithography
• learning glassblowing
• learning audacity and learning to mix/sample.
• getting better at surfing
• getting better at skateboarding
• working toward my career goal…not sitting at a desk.
• learning pro create
• probably hiking with my dog
• probably cooking something tasty
• probably cleaning the apartment
• probably cleaning my car
• exploring
• museums
• finding street art
• playing at the beach
• hanging with friends
• stoned adventures
• longboarding
• riding scooters around
• reading
• gardening
• Al-co-hol ….like sangria and long boarding with a cute boy.

Anything but staring at a screen…..

Maybe I could start teaching myself photoshop on here.

I’ve been bringing my sketchbooks.

Painting my nails at work and trimming them up.

Listening to TedTalks and Joe Rogan podcasts.

I’ve been trying to be useful with all my free time at work….

but none of it feels useful…..

I just need to be in my dream industry. Or become a mechanic…..

Till then…. sulking in this cooperate gloom.

I also may, or may not have taken a 30 minute nap a work.

But seriously, the world needs to wake up with this inefficiency, man.

Place the right people in the right places to flourish.

Longest title ever, yeh.

Ok so morbid subject 100%.

And even more-so for me because I can relate and I understand a little differently than even a fucking shrink would.

Yesterday, during work, early in the morning, someone jumped off the building across from ours.

We heard the screams and we heard the sound.

It was terrible.

No one really realized what happened until we saw a body laying on the ground. No gore. We were all just confused. Then the ambulance showed up shortly after and rushed the person away.

During that time it looked as though they covered their entire body and face – like when someone dies. But they also rushed them into the ambulance.

At that point my office mates and I were not sure if this person actually died or not.

But two things kept buzzing in the room.

#1.) The questioning…..Why would someone kill themselves? How selfish are they on their loved ones to do that? Do they hate life that much?

#2.) Then the aftermath….the poor family and loved ones. How sad that a life was lost.

So you’re going to be a hypocrite every time and say, how dare they? but how sad?

How about just pick one stance? Are you going to judge them or empathize?

I don’t think doing both is very fair.

But that’s not even the issue.

All day everyone was talking about it. I even chimed in at times, although I usually would not.

It’s a sensitive subject.

Yes.

One that I don’t want to talk about for my own personal reasons.

So what happens?

That afternoon, tons of emails are sent about “how to cope with stress” “how to cope with depression” the EAP plan, etc…etc…etc….we get it.

But the worst thing was that we had a meeting the next day about it.

And sure, this may help for some people. But not everyone. ( I fall into the category of folks that DO NOT want to talk about it….especially if it is forced.)

So early this morning HR comes by and kinda just checks in with everyone.

I’m thinking, “cool, no biggie – just doing your due diligence.” I get that. I’m pretty damn understanding.

Then I go to use the restroom and when I come back to my suite – everyone is gone.

No one is at their desk with the exception of one guy who was just on the way out as I was coming in.

He looks at me and says, “Hey. They’re having a meeting next door about the incident.”

And naturally, I think “meeting”….oh, ok I need to go to that.

I start walking with him and neither of us say anything.

Then it hit me….

WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I ATTEND SOMETHING LIKE THAT IF I DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT IT.

So my ass turns around mid way to the conference room and I just casually go back to our other suite where my desk is.

I felt no shame in being the only one at my desk.

I thought, oh well – they’ll probably ask why I didn’t go and I’ll say I did not know about it…. I assumed everyone went to lunch or something. I dunno… I can squirm out of most situations. And if I had to be honest, I would simply say I was not comfortable with it.

So what happens?

The cooperate HR woman finds me… and says there is a meeting. I said, “I know”.

And the conversation went like so –

“You should come join us.”

“No thanks”

“Why?”

“Not my cup of tea, I don’t really feel comfortable doing that.”

“But your co workers want to make sure you’re ok. This is a team thing.”

“Do I have to go?”

*she doesn’t answer my question*

“Your co workers would really appreciate your support.”

WHY IS THIS WOMAN GUILT TRIPPING ME. I SAID I DON’T WANT TO!!!! WTF.

So off I went.

Arrived awkwardly as I was the last person to sit at this big biased pow wow table. All eyes on me.

The meeting proceeded like so….

Each person said their name, and what they were feeling, and how they saw it.

LIKE A FUCKING AA MEETING. Jesus.

Let me just say I was so tense and uncomfortable as I said a million times.

I was angry and frustrated. Irritated and annoyed.

So everyone did their little speech. And in between each person speaking this shrink our HR person hired to talk about the event, kept expressing these biased opinions on suicidal people.

I wanted to punch her.

The things coming out of her mouth were so wrong! Not all suicidal people are the same. Full disclosure – I say that from experience.

Not every suicidal person is this miserable, moping, sad piece of shit who thinks life sucks!!!! Believe it or not you have the casually suicidal people who at any given time may want to quit. Take the easy way out. Life is too hard no matter how nice and beautiful it is.

Suicidal people are not all immensely depressed and sad the moment they decide to end their life. Some are frustrated, mostly tired, and even MAD at times with life.

I click with only one other person who is just like me in this regard.

We came up with the term “casually suicidal”….because it crosses your mind a lot but it’s never bad enough to do something…..yet. Or maybe never at all. Who knows? But one day it might get to the point where you are just so fed up with all the bullshit and you keep trying, and trying, and trying….that now – you’re just so tired, and DONE, and mad. You don’t want to do it anymore.

And guilt tripping a suicidal person about the effects of their death to their family is a MAJOR no-no. That makes a “casually suicidal” person either escalate their anger… or push to not care even more. At the core of it, I think they feel as though either not enough people care about them. Or don’t care enough. Perhaps suicidal people just need to be showered with love 24/7 and that’s exhausting for anyone. It’s needy. I agree.

But that’s going to work better than guilt tripping.

Either way, but by saying “oh what about your loved ones and family” is not going to make them change their mind or perspective. Yeah, I guess you could call it selfish but they’re also battling with their brain literally attacking them.. not even on their own terms… SO ARE THEY REALLY SELFISH? Or is your judgment selfish?

Think about it.

No offense with all due respect. FUCK people who don’t get it. You as the non suicidal judging person. You can’t say those things! That’s like saying… oh how selfish that a person drove at night and got into a car accident. Shit happens. I did not decide to have a brain like this. It just happened. I did not decide to have a life like mine which makes me mad and depressed and suicidal…..It. Just. Happens.

And you gotta learn to deal with it sometimes. Hence the casually suicidal folks like myself.

Strong enough not to do it…. but weak enough to know your brain has those thoughts. And if you let your guard down one day…. maybe you will do it.

Maybe it will get to that point ….. maybe it will not. But when you hear how biased and how incredibly incorrect even these “professional” counselors are…. it’s sad.

Suicide is a crazy thing. It’s insane to think that on average 123 people A DAY in the Unites States alone commit suicide.

To think that ONE MILLION people worldwide commit suicide every year is even crazier. I guess maybe that’s one way of mother nature/evolution/survival of the fittest….whatever you want to call it goes into play.

But yes, it’s still a life.

I guess if you want to get philosophical with it, then does every life matter? Is it worth saving those folks?

To be honest, and this is my…no so very humble opinion….probably not.

Why?

At the end of the day, a shrink really probably won’t help that many people. Just like motivational speeches only do so much. YOU have to want to do it. YOU have to want to NOT kill yourself. Sure, maybe does that mean you have a mental illness and need some help, sure! Seek it if you need it. Or train your brain to deal with the anxieties.

Some things work. Some things don’t.

And if someone does commit suicide, as sad as it may be… at least they are not suffering anymore.

In an ideal world it would be so incredibly nice to have those people live a life without pain…without having to end their life, of pain.

Who know’s if it’s for better or worse. But prodding at a person who is suicidal does not help – and prodding at the aftermath does not help either. Let it be. Sure, as a non-suicidal bystander talk it out if you need to with others….but sometimes the victim just need to figure things out on their own. And believe me, YOU are not the victim. You are not suicidal. The poor guy or girl with a war zone in their brain is the true victim.

Choosing the fight to live is one of those things. Everyone wants it, some not as much as others – but it’s their choice. Their body. Their life. Just like abortion laws.

But such is life. And that’s the way things work out sometimes…..

Battles are not always won. And in the end, the world will always continue moving.

Last weekend I rode my longboard for the first time in months.

We planned on going to the beach that day. But first needed to grab some breakfast in Malibu.

Eventually we made it to Zuma. There was this little paved bike/car lane parallel to the beach.

Surfer boy suggested I give it a go.

And, I did.

I was buzzing from puffing quite a bit of green goodness that day.

So when I hopped on my board it was so careless. I twisted and turned. Glided. Squatted and leaned. My hair was blowing in the air and the sun gleamed on my skin, keeping me warm as the sea gently whisked by.

I was playing with physics really. And the pavement was so smooth that I had a long, steady ride to enjoy.

We took turns and then I think he eventually just realized how happy I was being in my blissful head space.

As an anxious person, it’s state I don’t get to be in often.

We later went to a coffee shop nearby and I had one of the most unusually relaxing moments – perhaps of my life… I had no idea where it came from or why either.

The moment came so easily.

And unfortunately, just as easily wanted to flee because of my ever so creeping anxiety – for absolutely no reason.

But I managed to pep talk myself into holding onto this perfect moment, perfect scene, and perfect day.

I wanted it to last a little longer.

And so I talked myself into it.

Surfer boy went inside to get us some coffee and I found a little spot to sit in the shade with my dog.

I had a hoodie on that kept me perfectly comfortable. Which led me to believe that comfort is seriously crucial for taming any nervous energy.

It’s the least you can do to make things less anxiety prone.

So as I sat there in the beautiful plaza courtyard, I listened to the birds, the water trickling from the fountain, and any other little details.

My dog sparked this observation. He was very aware of every little detail in the moment as his ears shifted direction with each subtle noise and his little snoot sniffed the air.

I had nowhere to be and nothing to worry about. Truly. For the first time in a very, very long time.

But it seemed wrong – un-natural for me, because this never happens.

And so my mind started doing “the thing”.

Us anxious folks know where it begins and how it unfolds.

But I managed to stop it from unfolding and I was so proud of myself for that.

I really got to take back my moment and enjoy it again without worry.

I told myself a few things.

The past and the future does not matter right now.

There is nowhere you need to be.

Nobody needs you.

You have no responsibility in this given moment.

Stop thinking about anything that does not involve this moment, this place, and exactly where you are.

Again, if it’s in the past or in the future – it’s not something you can control right now. This is not the time and place for that.

I breathed and leaned my head back.

Actively focused on anything that dealt with the present.

And then the boy came out with our coffees.

Flashed me a sexy smile.

And I continued to enjoy the day.

Sipping my coffee.

On a leisurely Saturday afternoon in Malibu.

Not sure if most people ever get consumed by the complexity of a new human being entering their lives, but I can’t say I have ever met someone where I am not effected in some small way. Usually by their little internal worlds.

Especially men. I wonder if they dive into someone’s inner workings too the way women do.

Personally, I want to know every bit about someone. Sometimes without them realizing.

Simply asking certain things and getting an answer is too easy. It gives them time to think.

I want the raw version.

And it’s so oddly satisfying.

Humans are so unique.

Because at some point you both fall onto the same wavelength and sync up.

Even if you couldn’t be any different.

How crazy is that?

If a specific energy exerted is what you’re looking for – it’s bound to happen with enough time around someone.

That is, if the cards align.

And that’s a beautiful thing.

I’ve had few people where I have been able to do that on a soul touching level.

But I yearn for that feeling. I don’t get to have it often. And if I could stay in that state forever, I would.

Like when a set of chords hits your soul and you are doing something so incredibly enjoyable with someone you truly admire.

You just want those chords to keep playing on a loop.

I hope everyone get’s to experience that and other similar encounters.

I guess in layman’s terms it’s just “living in the moment”.

But I think there is another threshold to that. One I can’t quite put my finger on.

Dating is rough.

But dating 2019 is even worse.

Anytime I hear the word “Tinder” – a toe curling, high pitched, screech echoes.

Maybe I’m too old-school.

It’s hard to accept this is somewhat the standard now.

Elon Musk did say that in this day and age we are basically walking cyborgs with this little device….this little phone attached to our hip….

And you can either love or hate technology but it’s coming in full swing and you really should just embrace it.

My response to Mr. Elon Musk?

….. I am trying.

But I also for some reason have this part of me that is digging my heels into the ground, fighting for dear life…..

Why do I have such a phobia of technology sometimes.

I guess we all kind of do. Artificial intelligence taking over the world and just ending the human race.

Or maybe we can co-exist?

Do robots, or AI strictly like to work?

Could they do all work and humans kinda sit back and relax? Or do robots like to sit back and relax too? Have a beer – or……well, whatever makes a robot happy?

Silly, I know.

But that could be nice. Robots do the everyday mundane jobs and humans work on things that they really want to work on….. hobbies they always wanted to get great at but never had the time for.

Would robots be cool with that? I mean, certain dogs are meant for herding. Does that mean they hate their life because that’s all they do – no.

Robots could do the jobs that are required for the world to function.

And they probably would be much better at it anyways.

If that were the case, I guess I could do all the awesome outdoorsy things that I have always dreamed of doing.

And speaking of the great outdoors —

“Active outdoorsy person seeking an active outdoorsy person” turned out to be a cute guy on Tinder with that being his bio.

“Now providing best tours of our beautiful California beaches and surf breaks.”

And so – I swiped on my little handheld device.

The conversation was good and he invited me to go surfing sometime. At first, I naturally agreed. As if this was a friend I had known for a while. But then I realized that this was a man I met on Tinder. I flat out REFUSED to meet anyone online. It seemed weird to me. Most of my interactions were just back and forth conversations to kill time since moving here. But also it was nice just swiping to see what was out there. I wanted to know if I had a type? Turns out yes, and no.

But then one message led to another one. And I agreed to go surfing with him. Elon Musk would be proud. I am accepting technology!! Maybe this wouldn’t be too terrible….

Lately I have been on a Bob Moses kick. This duo gives such a breezy and careless sound that reminds me of Chris Issak’s Wicked Game. Pretty sure they have some inspiration from that song somewhere.

And as I learned more about my “date”, I couldn’t help but correlate this music into what I’m feeling.

I guess I started getting a similar vibe from him.

He’s a mellow, beachy, super attractive guy with tons of layers for me to learn about.

Maybe we could go to a Bob Moses concert sometime.

I think concerts are the best places to go on a date to be honest.

You get to experience each other on a much deeper level, without any verbal communication.

It makes the bond closer.

Needless to say, what I enjoyed more than anything about him was that everything we did was easy. Nothing felt unnatural. At least to me.

Society sets these stupid parameters of who texts who first, and how often is fine to hang out…. and when is it appropriate to kiss and blah, blah, blah….first base, second base, etc…..

And let me just say. From Sunday to Sunday… being eight days in… we hung out 5 times. Three of those days were back to back.

Surfed on Sunday, hung out by a fire pit and had a drink on Tuesday, went to two bars on Friday, Saturday had dinner and watched TV at his place, and Sunday……hot tub and kissed.

Not sure how “soon” that is based what the world thinks – but I thought it was pretty slow for me. (I later found out we both were pumping the breaks based off previous experiences of going too fast, crashing and burning.)

It probably would have continued to progress slowly had I not sent a sly little text.

I have a hard time being patient.

So on Saturday night when he asked me if I got home safely after sitting on a couch, barely touching shoulders, doing the whole “Netflix and Chill” thing with him.

To which my response was: “You should really stop letting me run away so easily.”

His response?

“Duly noted, little instigator”

I gotta say, I’m trying to be better about dating and not show all my cards right away. Trying to not be so dominant. But my personality genuinely struggles with that.

He made a comment while we were in the hot tub innocently kissing.

It threw me off guard. I’m still trying to piece it together because I am not easily caught off guard.

I think I apologized that I always kept getting on top of him while he leaned against the tub wall. While he kept trying to bow my head back and kiss me kinda romantically – I would kiss and roll right back to where we originally were.

The dominance thing just takes over instinctively, even with the subtle things.

And he asked me about it.

I think he asked if it was an intentional power push. And I said no.

To his response, “And you want the opposite. But you would never say anything”.

I think he is onto something.

And I hope that maybe I will finally get those desires I want out.

Because he is right. I would never say anything but I could write a novel of how to love a woman like me.

And boy, it’s not easy….

For now it’s just fun. But we’ll see where this goes.

I’m happy I gave technology a chance for once. I got a wicked surfing experience out of it – and the ride keeps going.

….Thanks Elon.

Who are you?

Kidding.

I guess if I ever have a following, not that I am purposely looking for one – I think a proper into of myself would deem to be somewhat useful.

More than anything this blog is for me to go back one day and see how much I have changed over the years.

I hope to regularly keep up with this and try to write weekly. Or at least update every now and then.

So who am I?

I am human.

I exist in this exciting world we are all trying to figure out.

I have good days.

I have bad days.

I am someone who thinks they are somewhat funny – but usually ends up not so much.

I think I am more witty than funny.

I can be snarky.

I believe in astrology. #scopriogang #ganggang

I’m very intuitive.

I believe in various types of people.

And have a lot of patience for people.

I am an ENTJ-A type.

“The Commander”

I can be bossy.

Assertive.

Strong willed and strong minded.

but I also take things personally and can get defensive.

I like philosophy, psychology and anything that makes your brain tick.

I like TedTalks.

Recently have been listening to a lot of Joe Rogan podcasts.

Music is everything for me.

I like to analyse things in great depths.

I love extremely human and transparent interactions.

I love to explore.

Nature.

Gardening.

Concerts and music festivals.

I like getting out of my comfort zone and pushing others to do the same.

I like slightly breaking small laws.

Skateboarding and graffiti.

Specifically climbing things I shouldn’t.

Tresspassing.

Or going to areas I shouldn’t.

Trespassing definitely is an addiction for a curious mind.

I want to climb some skyscrapers like those crazy parkour kids do.

I am not afraid of heights.

But not a fan of most roller coasters. Although there are some I tolerate.

I like driving fast cars and taking hard turns.

I like drifting too.

It’s really fun drifting in the snow.

But I prefer warm weather usually.

I want to get more into graffiti.

That being said, I love art….. I really, REALLY love art.

Street art, Prints, Pottery, Mechanics, a neat design for a car, motorcycle, anything, anything at all that requires creativity – I’m in.

If its beautiful and complex – I love it. Same goes for people.

Old art.

New art.

Architecture.

My brain moves at a million miles an hour most times.

I can’t sit still very well. At least my mind can’t.

I love expanding my vocabulary.

To look up words and implement them into everyday conversations.

I don’t know why.

I get a great deal of satisfaction from being around anything, or anyone intelligent.

I would love to pick Elon Musk’s Brain or Shepherd Fairey.

But I’m also very lucky to have such fascinating friends to easily pick their brains too.

I love great writing. Exerpts and theories.

I love to read and wish I did it more like when I was a kid.

Did I mention again, I love art???

I have such a great art collection.

I partake in the arts myself.

I recently started surfing.

I like to long board.

I would like to join a high speed downhill longboarding group.

Yes, with helmets, knee pads, sliding gloves… heavy duty… all that.

I would also like to get my own motorcycle someday. A cafe racer or bobber.

I would like to learn the art of slack lining.

In high school I wanted to be a tattoo artist and own a hookah bar.

I really like quality tattoos. I have a few and certainly want more. A sleeve and the opposite leg covered.

In elementary school I wanted to be a CIA or FBI secret agent and drive around in a Porsche.

Now I want to be a project manager in the music industry. Maybe work at a venue or be on tour. Work with booking venues or booking artists. Either flip side works for me. I just want to stay busy and love my job.

Going to a concert every night wouldn’t be too bad either.

I don’t know what car I would like now.

I like a lot of cars.

Jeep wranglers.

An old white Jeep Cherokee.

A white 70s F-150.

An old 911.

A 2016 Toyota 4 runner.

A 2016 GTR.

A nice M series.

A black 1967 Chevy Impala with red seats

A black 60s Camaro and a burgundy Mustang.

The 2016 Mustangs are nice too.

An old classy Cadillac with the gnarly tail lights.

Or a new Cadillac CTS-V Coupe?

An old land rover or range rover.

Needless to say I love cars too…. There’s a lot of cars I would want.

I’m a car head.

I know a thing or two about cars. And can fix a thing or two.

I am an only child.

I have a dog. (There are a lot of dogs I would want too…lol)

I’m kinda an introverted extrovert?

A night owl trying to be a morning person. (And with practice it’s kinda working out)

I am a walking oxymoron…

Or just enigmatically eclectic as one special individual once told me.

I fall in love easily. But I don’t know who I would want to be with forever.

Maybe I fall in love easily only because I yearn to be loved in return.

I love a good conversation.

A fun debate.

But I also enjoy the silence.

I like walking in nature.

I like looking at the stars.

I like to blast music and pretend it’s the soundtrack to my life in that given moment.

I don’t do too well with movies. The ADD again. It has to be a great movie.

I prefer older movies. My favorites are horror movies or classics.

I’m very organized. OCD and I keep a clean and tidy living space. I blame my mother for that…. but also thank her. Clutter is annoying.

My mother and I were best friends.

I like my jewelry.

Gems and rocks fascinate me.

I never liked Diamonds growing up until I worked at a fine jewelry store and learned their true beauty.

But now that I think about it…. maybe the diamonds are just accentuating the jewelry item itself?

I do like shapes and aesthetically pleasing things. So that would make sense.

I specifically like Victorian and Art Deco jewelry.

I like old 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s posters and prints for movies and music festivals or concerts.

I like Moroccan tiles.

I am fascinated with India and big bazzars/markets.

I would love to go to Japan, Thailand, and India one day.

Honestly a lot of countries in Asia.

I am a major foodie.

The only thing I will not eat is canned meat/fish/anything that looks funky out of a can. And capers are kinda too salty for me.

Lastly I cannot do anchovies or any fish with a million bones. You can tell me it melts in your mouth and the bones dissolve but it weirds me out.

Otherwise I eat just about everything. Not a picky eater!

One day, I want to swim with a blue whale. Maybe while pregnant with my first child.

I love the ocean.

I want 2…..3…..4….. children. The number keeps growing.

And to think just a year ago I did not want any kids my entire life until the point my mother passed away.

Kinda Bi-curious. Certainly going through a gay phase right now. But will end up with a man most likely. Girls are sexy and beautiful but also crazy.

Going pixie cut in the summer. I think I have the balls to do it finally.

I love plants! They are also like children to me. I drove across the country with a few potted plants I have had over the years.

That being said, I have a green thumb. Just about anything will grow and live on my watch …..

I think I’m pretty nurturing.

Logical.

Not really your typical girl.

And yes I hate when I say that and then a funny look is thrown my way or eyes are rolled. I know my worth. It took years to get here and have a good relationship with myself.

I hate when people test me, underestimate me, categorize me, or talk down to me.

I also hate talking about age. Close friends know this is a thing for me.

I think age is irrelevant most times.

I like watching UFC or any MMA.

I recently got into Basketball.

Not a fan of football.

I grew up a swimmer.

I want to get into some serious hardcore yoga.

Recently started getting into calesthetics.

I can do 6 pull ups now and probably 7 chin ups.

I tend to over exaggerate with a lot of things just a pinch….sometimes.

So maybe …more like 5 pull ups and 6 chin ups. haha but at one point I could do ten!

I hate being WRONG.

So I can be kind vague sometimes. But also overly detailed sometimes.

I like people watching.

Analyzing.

….. and trying to figure them out.

…………………………I also can probably continue this at any given time.

And so I shall, when more comes to mind. Or maybe not.

I tend to change my mind a lot.