Just feeling inclined to write.

I guess my last post was something along the same lines of what I’ll probably write here.

The only difference is this video.

First of all, I love both of these guys. Such characters and so much truth said in this podcast. Skip to the 40 minute mark if you’re not into watching the whole thing – although I think you should.

Going day in and day out of a job you hate. Most people do it anyway and just say,”I’m an adult…. and this is what you do.”

Could I have a straight job? Absolutely not.

Sure those people are courageous for being under the cooperate umbrella, pounding, putting away many hours of overtime, grinding out the cooperate requests.

It’s painful.

But I think you just know when that lifestyle isn’t for you.

Either Henry or Joe said something in this podcast that really hit me today.

Both jobs, both routes are painful.

The pain of uncertainty in a fun and unusual job. The pain of weird things being thrown your way in a non-traditional job.

But being in an florescent office, staring at a screen and feeling your heart and soul getting crushed – 0r in my case, my brain deteriorating.

I think I’m starting to realize I would take the pain of the latter.

I’d rather be on my feet for hours doing all sorts of other odd things and feel my legs buzzing at the end of the day, rather than feeling the empty pain inside from the nothingness at work.

Joe Rogan said it’s a droning existence. The repetitive hum and buzz of a straight job.

Henry agreed that he doesn’t want it.

And I’m on board with those two. They have great points.

I don’t want it either, and I’m not sure why it took me so long to realize that. Maybe I too had the mantra of “I’m an adult, and this is just what you do” in my head.

So so so so SO WRONG.

Crazy how some things just click in your head. A song, a form of art, a conversation with someone, a podcast, a revelation, a Eureka moment….

This podcast did it. It sealed the deal. And I think I was starting to realize it when I worked in Chatsworth as a product developer as my first real 9-5 job.

This job too is a 9-5 cooperate job in a big multi story building. However it’s for a marketing department which is fun…. well – more fun than what i’m use to.

So now I have a few levels of cooperate america I can compare to. And I’m not totally a fan of any varying degrees of it.

However, come to think about it, in result of this I’ve had a ton of interesting jobs.

From my first job to now, I have been –

An usher at the movie theater

A janitor

A lifeguard

A swim instructor, teaching adults and children (one of my more rewarding jobs… for the soul)

An manager at a luxury fitness facility

A Jeweler, where I held heavy and ornate $60,000 rings, 100,000 pave necklaces, designer jewelry, all of it, you name it.

I worked across from the White House at a historic hotel

I worked in downtown Alexandria, VA

I have bartended all around.

Downtown Raleigh, hip rock and roll bars, ratchet gucci mane bars (LOL), intimate japanese izakaya bars and even luxury resorts up in the mountains of Malibu.

I’ve met cool people. I’ve worked the Emmys and had the opportunity to work the Oscars since I have moved to California.

I put the fear behind – and just did it.

I remember countless days sitting on the guard stand at the gym waiting on that “Eureka moment”.

It’s all coming together now.

All the retired folks and even some people my age, or slightly older, say that you should invest time into a company for the “benefits” the job security, the insurance, the PTO, etc… etc…yada yada.

But to be honest, when I was bartending and working long late night hours, I was happier. I think I really didn’t worry about any of that. Not like I used it anyway. If one day I can afford health insurance, I will. For now, I don’t. And if I need a day off – I asked my boss at the bar.

For instance when I was a swimmer, I wasn’t very fast usually… but when I put my mind to it, I actually was. I was faster than anyone on my team! I just was never in that total “attack” mode phase. I wasn’t feeling it most days. Just like most days I’m not feeling my office job unless I’m on a roll being busy and crushing tasks.

So I think I’m becoming very hungry for that dream job and that dream life.

I think it’s going to happen very soon. Right around the corner.

10 months into living in California, I have a great apartment and roommate set up where I can afford my bills. I have a decent job that’s great for my resume.

Never settle on a job, a man, or a lifestyle.

Makes me remember all the shit I use to say in grade school.

“Keep it classy, not trashy”

“An optimistic pessimist”

“A walking oxymoron”

and boy – probably the best thing I told myself when I was young is never fucking settle.

People say it a lot, but do they mean it?

I’m still stubborn as I’ve ever been, if not more.

Miss ya mom. Wish you could see me now – I only hope wherever we go when we die, wherever you are, I hope you know things are going to work out.

Oh it’s a grind for sure.

Grinding my teeth.

Getting my work done in 2-3 hours instead of eight.

Countless days I just sit here and wait for work to come my way.

Only so I can get it done and be done….

I like to work. But I don’t like to sit around and wait for work.

Being efficient is so crucial to me. Because I value my time.

I wish the cooperate world would figure this out already.

Someone once told me you work 9-5 so technically if they need you for anything during those hours, you’re available and sitting in front of a computer, at a desk, ready to go….

But no job description says that.

Like hey, here we will pay you X amount just to be here 9-5 Monday through Friday.

Honestly, you could pay me less but let me work as the work comes. If that makes any sense. I want to get it done, but I also want to do a lot of other things.

Maybe I’m just not meant for the cooperate world. Then again, I wonder who is?

Even folks who are in their late 40s and early 50s. Do they really like the grind?

I mean then again they probably put in even more hours in. But why?

Besides inefficient and useless meetings that run far too long, the never ending emails, and other little things – I think they too should be able to manage their time.

But every boss I’ve had is flustered. Overworked. And tired.

Shoot. Give me that job with that salary and a little bit of say in things. Sure I know i’d have to be diplomatic, but believe me – I’ll show the cooperate world how to be efficient.

Mechanics for instance.

I preach this theory of mine over and over.

They get a job on a car that is quoted to take 10 hours of labor. But if they bust their butt and work hard – if they get the job done in 4 hours, they get paid for the full 10 hours anyway.

Thus either giving them more time to go and do other jobs, OR….just enjoy their free time. Right? Go home, go hang with friends and family, work on hobbies that they have interests in, whatever it might be.

Probably much happier in the end.

Is there a way to implement that into other jobs?

Ok I have had zero emails since 9:30am. All my tasks have been completed since last week. I’m waiting on PO’s to be approved by accounting. Events are all handled…..

Can I go home? And if you need me, my phone get’s emails….. I can do most things through my phone or if I have to – I can just bring my work laptop anywhere I go.

No. Gotta stay put.

Not sure how long I’ll last.

To think that I have had so many people tell me “It is what it is.” Enjoy not doing anything at work.

WHAT?! How?

Morally it feels wrong first of all just sitting here being “on call” basically and not doing anything.

I have friends who too work in the cooperate world and they watch shows, podcasts, and even FULL movies at work.

That’s insane and so inefficient with your time. Not to mention then they want to go home and stare at yet another screen… watch more TV? No thanks! So not me.

The list of things I would rather be doing…

• drawing
• painting
• pottery
• learning lithography
• learning glassblowing
• learning audacity and learning to mix/sample.
• getting better at surfing
• getting better at skateboarding
• working toward my career goal…not sitting at a desk.
• learning pro create
• probably hiking with my dog
• probably cooking something tasty
• probably cleaning the apartment
• probably cleaning my car
• exploring
• museums
• finding street art
• playing at the beach
• hanging with friends
• stoned adventures
• longboarding
• riding scooters around
• reading
• gardening
• Al-co-hol ….like sangria and long boarding with a cute boy.

Anything but staring at a screen…..

Maybe I could start teaching myself photoshop on here.

I’ve been bringing my sketchbooks.

Painting my nails at work and trimming them up.

Listening to TedTalks and Joe Rogan podcasts.

I’ve been trying to be useful with all my free time at work….

but none of it feels useful…..

I just need to be in my dream industry. Or become a mechanic…..

Till then…. sulking in this cooperate gloom.

I also may, or may not have taken a 30 minute nap a work.

But seriously, the world needs to wake up with this inefficiency, man.

Place the right people in the right places to flourish.

Longest title ever, yeh.

Ok so morbid subject 100%.

And even more-so for me because I can relate and I understand a little differently than even a fucking shrink would.

Yesterday, during work, early in the morning, someone jumped off the building across from ours.

We heard the screams and we heard the sound.

It was terrible.

No one really realized what happened until we saw a body laying on the ground. No gore. We were all just confused. Then the ambulance showed up shortly after and rushed the person away.

During that time it looked as though they covered their entire body and face – like when someone dies. But they also rushed them into the ambulance.

At that point my office mates and I were not sure if this person actually died or not.

But two things kept buzzing in the room.

#1.) The questioning…..Why would someone kill themselves? How selfish are they on their loved ones to do that? Do they hate life that much?

#2.) Then the aftermath….the poor family and loved ones. How sad that a life was lost.

So you’re going to be a hypocrite every time and say, how dare they? but how sad?

How about just pick one stance? Are you going to judge them or empathize?

I don’t think doing both is very fair.

But that’s not even the issue.

All day everyone was talking about it. I even chimed in at times, although I usually would not.

It’s a sensitive subject.

Yes.

One that I don’t want to talk about for my own personal reasons.

So what happens?

That afternoon, tons of emails are sent about “how to cope with stress” “how to cope with depression” the EAP plan, etc…etc…etc….we get it.

But the worst thing was that we had a meeting the next day about it.

And sure, this may help for some people. But not everyone. ( I fall into the category of folks that DO NOT want to talk about it….especially if it is forced.)

So early this morning HR comes by and kinda just checks in with everyone.

I’m thinking, “cool, no biggie – just doing your due diligence.” I get that. I’m pretty damn understanding.

Then I go to use the restroom and when I come back to my suite – everyone is gone.

No one is at their desk with the exception of one guy who was just on the way out as I was coming in.

He looks at me and says, “Hey. They’re having a meeting next door about the incident.”

And naturally, I think “meeting”….oh, ok I need to go to that.

I start walking with him and neither of us say anything.

Then it hit me….

WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I ATTEND SOMETHING LIKE THAT IF I DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT IT.

So my ass turns around mid way to the conference room and I just casually go back to our other suite where my desk is.

I felt no shame in being the only one at my desk.

I thought, oh well – they’ll probably ask why I didn’t go and I’ll say I did not know about it…. I assumed everyone went to lunch or something. I dunno… I can squirm out of most situations. And if I had to be honest, I would simply say I was not comfortable with it.

So what happens?

The cooperate HR woman finds me… and says there is a meeting. I said, “I know”.

And the conversation went like so –

“You should come join us.”

“No thanks”

“Why?”

“Not my cup of tea, I don’t really feel comfortable doing that.”

“But your co workers want to make sure you’re ok. This is a team thing.”

“Do I have to go?”

*she doesn’t answer my question*

“Your co workers would really appreciate your support.”

WHY IS THIS WOMAN GUILT TRIPPING ME. I SAID I DON’T WANT TO!!!! WTF.

So off I went.

Arrived awkwardly as I was the last person to sit at this big biased pow wow table. All eyes on me.

The meeting proceeded like so….

Each person said their name, and what they were feeling, and how they saw it.

LIKE A FUCKING AA MEETING. Jesus.

Let me just say I was so tense and uncomfortable as I said a million times.

I was angry and frustrated. Irritated and annoyed.

So everyone did their little speech. And in between each person speaking this shrink our HR person hired to talk about the event, kept expressing these biased opinions on suicidal people.

I wanted to punch her.

The things coming out of her mouth were so wrong! Not all suicidal people are the same. Full disclosure – I say that from experience.

Not every suicidal person is this miserable, moping, sad piece of shit who thinks life sucks!!!! Believe it or not you have the casually suicidal people who at any given time may want to quit. Take the easy way out. Life is too hard no matter how nice and beautiful it is.

Suicidal people are not all immensely depressed and sad the moment they decide to end their life. Some are frustrated, mostly tired, and even MAD at times with life.

I click with only one other person who is just like me in this regard.

We came up with the term “casually suicidal”….because it crosses your mind a lot but it’s never bad enough to do something…..yet. Or maybe never at all. Who knows? But one day it might get to the point where you are just so fed up with all the bullshit and you keep trying, and trying, and trying….that now – you’re just so tired, and DONE, and mad. You don’t want to do it anymore.

And guilt tripping a suicidal person about the effects of their death to their family is a MAJOR no-no. That makes a “casually suicidal” person either escalate their anger… or push to not care even more. At the core of it, I think they feel as though either not enough people care about them. Or don’t care enough. Perhaps suicidal people just need to be showered with love 24/7 and that’s exhausting for anyone. It’s needy. I agree.

But that’s going to work better than guilt tripping.

Either way, but by saying “oh what about your loved ones and family” is not going to make them change their mind or perspective. Yeah, I guess you could call it selfish but they’re also battling with their brain literally attacking them.. not even on their own terms… SO ARE THEY REALLY SELFISH? Or is your judgment selfish?

Think about it.

No offense with all due respect. FUCK people who don’t get it. You as the non suicidal judging person. You can’t say those things! That’s like saying… oh how selfish that a person drove at night and got into a car accident. Shit happens. I did not decide to have a brain like this. It just happened. I did not decide to have a life like mine which makes me mad and depressed and suicidal…..It. Just. Happens.

And you gotta learn to deal with it sometimes. Hence the casually suicidal folks like myself.

Strong enough not to do it…. but weak enough to know your brain has those thoughts. And if you let your guard down one day…. maybe you will do it.

Maybe it will get to that point ….. maybe it will not. But when you hear how biased and how incredibly incorrect even these “professional” counselors are…. it’s sad.

Suicide is a crazy thing. It’s insane to think that on average 123 people A DAY in the Unites States alone commit suicide.

To think that ONE MILLION people worldwide commit suicide every year is even crazier. I guess maybe that’s one way of mother nature/evolution/survival of the fittest….whatever you want to call it goes into play.

But yes, it’s still a life.

I guess if you want to get philosophical with it, then does every life matter? Is it worth saving those folks?

To be honest, and this is my…no so very humble opinion….probably not.

Why?

At the end of the day, a shrink really probably won’t help that many people. Just like motivational speeches only do so much. YOU have to want to do it. YOU have to want to NOT kill yourself. Sure, maybe does that mean you have a mental illness and need some help, sure! Seek it if you need it. Or train your brain to deal with the anxieties.

Some things work. Some things don’t.

And if someone does commit suicide, as sad as it may be… at least they are not suffering anymore.

In an ideal world it would be so incredibly nice to have those people live a life without pain…without having to end their life, of pain.

Who know’s if it’s for better or worse. But prodding at a person who is suicidal does not help – and prodding at the aftermath does not help either. Let it be. Sure, as a non-suicidal bystander talk it out if you need to with others….but sometimes the victim just need to figure things out on their own. And believe me, YOU are not the victim. You are not suicidal. The poor guy or girl with a war zone in their brain is the true victim.

Choosing the fight to live is one of those things. Everyone wants it, some not as much as others – but it’s their choice. Their body. Their life. Just like abortion laws.

But such is life. And that’s the way things work out sometimes…..

Battles are not always won. And in the end, the world will always continue moving.

Last weekend I rode my longboard for the first time in months.

We planned on going to the beach that day. But first needed to grab some breakfast in Malibu.

Eventually we made it to Zuma. There was this little paved bike/car lane parallel to the beach.

Surfer boy suggested I give it a go.

And, I did.

I was buzzing from puffing quite a bit of green goodness that day.

So when I hopped on my board it was so careless. I twisted and turned. Glided. Squatted and leaned. My hair was blowing in the air and the sun gleamed on my skin, keeping me warm as the sea gently whisked by.

I was playing with physics really. And the pavement was so smooth that I had a long, steady ride to enjoy.

We took turns and then I think he eventually just realized how happy I was being in my blissful head space.

As an anxious person, it’s state I don’t get to be in often.

We later went to a coffee shop nearby and I had one of the most unusually relaxing moments – perhaps of my life… I had no idea where it came from or why either.

The moment came so easily.

And unfortunately, just as easily wanted to flee because of my ever so creeping anxiety – for absolutely no reason.

But I managed to pep talk myself into holding onto this perfect moment, perfect scene, and perfect day.

I wanted it to last a little longer.

And so I talked myself into it.

Surfer boy went inside to get us some coffee and I found a little spot to sit in the shade with my dog.

I had a hoodie on that kept me perfectly comfortable. Which led me to believe that comfort is seriously crucial for taming any nervous energy.

It’s the least you can do to make things less anxiety prone.

So as I sat there in the beautiful plaza courtyard, I listened to the birds, the water trickling from the fountain, and any other little details.

My dog sparked this observation. He was very aware of every little detail in the moment as his ears shifted direction with each subtle noise and his little snoot sniffed the air.

I had nowhere to be and nothing to worry about. Truly. For the first time in a very, very long time.

But it seemed wrong – un-natural for me, because this never happens.

And so my mind started doing “the thing”.

Us anxious folks know where it begins and how it unfolds.

But I managed to stop it from unfolding and I was so proud of myself for that.

I really got to take back my moment and enjoy it again without worry.

I told myself a few things.

The past and the future does not matter right now.

There is nowhere you need to be.

Nobody needs you.

You have no responsibility in this given moment.

Stop thinking about anything that does not involve this moment, this place, and exactly where you are.

Again, if it’s in the past or in the future – it’s not something you can control right now. This is not the time and place for that.

I breathed and leaned my head back.

Actively focused on anything that dealt with the present.

And then the boy came out with our coffees.

Flashed me a sexy smile.

And I continued to enjoy the day.

Sipping my coffee.

On a leisurely Saturday afternoon in Malibu.

Not sure if most people ever get consumed by the complexity of a new human being entering their lives, but I can’t say I have ever met someone where I am not effected in some small way. Usually by their little internal worlds.

Especially men. I wonder if they dive into someone’s inner workings too the way women do.

Personally, I want to know every bit about someone. Sometimes without them realizing.

Simply asking certain things and getting an answer is too easy. It gives them time to think.

I want the raw version.

And it’s so oddly satisfying.

Humans are so unique.

Because at some point you both fall onto the same wavelength and sync up.

Even if you couldn’t be any different.

How crazy is that?

If a specific energy exerted is what you’re looking for – it’s bound to happen with enough time around someone.

That is, if the cards align.

And that’s a beautiful thing.

I’ve had few people where I have been able to do that on a soul touching level.

But I yearn for that feeling. I don’t get to have it often. And if I could stay in that state forever, I would.

Like when a set of chords hits your soul and you are doing something so incredibly enjoyable with someone you truly admire.

You just want those chords to keep playing on a loop.

I hope everyone get’s to experience that and other similar encounters.

I guess in layman’s terms it’s just “living in the moment”.

But I think there is another threshold to that. One I can’t quite put my finger on.

Dating is rough.

But dating 2019 is even worse.

Anytime I hear the word “Tinder” – a toe curling, high pitched, screech echoes.

Maybe I’m too old-school.

It’s hard to accept this is somewhat the standard now.

Elon Musk did say that in this day and age we are basically walking cyborgs with this little device….this little phone attached to our hip….

And you can either love or hate technology but it’s coming in full swing and you really should just embrace it.

My response to Mr. Elon Musk?

….. I am trying.

But I also for some reason have this part of me that is digging my heels into the ground, fighting for dear life…..

Why do I have such a phobia of technology sometimes.

I guess we all kind of do. Artificial intelligence taking over the world and just ending the human race.

Or maybe we can co-exist?

Do robots, or AI strictly like to work?

Could they do all work and humans kinda sit back and relax? Or do robots like to sit back and relax too? Have a beer – or……well, whatever makes a robot happy?

Silly, I know.

But that could be nice. Robots do the everyday mundane jobs and humans work on things that they really want to work on….. hobbies they always wanted to get great at but never had the time for.

Would robots be cool with that? I mean, certain dogs are meant for herding. Does that mean they hate their life because that’s all they do – no.

Robots could do the jobs that are required for the world to function.

And they probably would be much better at it anyways.

If that were the case, I guess I could do all the awesome outdoorsy things that I have always dreamed of doing.

And speaking of the great outdoors —

“Active outdoorsy person seeking an active outdoorsy person” turned out to be a cute guy on Tinder with that being his bio.

“Now providing best tours of our beautiful California beaches and surf breaks.”

And so – I swiped on my little handheld device.

The conversation was good and he invited me to go surfing sometime. At first, I naturally agreed. As if this was a friend I had known for a while. But then I realized that this was a man I met on Tinder. I flat out REFUSED to meet anyone online. It seemed weird to me. Most of my interactions were just back and forth conversations to kill time since moving here. But also it was nice just swiping to see what was out there. I wanted to know if I had a type? Turns out yes, and no.

But then one message led to another one. And I agreed to go surfing with him. Elon Musk would be proud. I am accepting technology!! Maybe this wouldn’t be too terrible….

Lately I have been on a Bob Moses kick. This duo gives such a breezy and careless sound that reminds me of Chris Issak’s Wicked Game. Pretty sure they have some inspiration from that song somewhere.

And as I learned more about my “date”, I couldn’t help but correlate this music into what I’m feeling.

I guess I started getting a similar vibe from him.

He’s a mellow, beachy, super attractive guy with tons of layers for me to learn about.

Maybe we could go to a Bob Moses concert sometime.

I think concerts are the best places to go on a date to be honest.

You get to experience each other on a much deeper level, without any verbal communication.

It makes the bond closer.

Needless to say, what I enjoyed more than anything about him was that everything we did was easy. Nothing felt unnatural. At least to me.

Society sets these stupid parameters of who texts who first, and how often is fine to hang out…. and when is it appropriate to kiss and blah, blah, blah….first base, second base, etc…..

And let me just say. From Sunday to Sunday… being eight days in… we hung out 5 times. Three of those days were back to back.

Surfed on Sunday, hung out by a fire pit and had a drink on Tuesday, went to two bars on Friday, Saturday had dinner and watched TV at his place, and Sunday……hot tub and kissed.

Not sure how “soon” that is based what the world thinks – but I thought it was pretty slow for me. (I later found out we both were pumping the breaks based off previous experiences of going too fast, crashing and burning.)

It probably would have continued to progress slowly had I not sent a sly little text.

I have a hard time being patient.

So on Saturday night when he asked me if I got home safely after sitting on a couch, barely touching shoulders, doing the whole “Netflix and Chill” thing with him.

To which my response was: “You should really stop letting me run away so easily.”

His response?

“Duly noted, little instigator”

I gotta say, I’m trying to be better about dating and not show all my cards right away. Trying to not be so dominant. But my personality genuinely struggles with that.

He made a comment while we were in the hot tub innocently kissing.

It threw me off guard. I’m still trying to piece it together because I am not easily caught off guard.

I think I apologized that I always kept getting on top of him while he leaned against the tub wall. While he kept trying to bow my head back and kiss me kinda romantically – I would kiss and roll right back to where we originally were.

The dominance thing just takes over instinctively, even with the subtle things.

And he asked me about it.

I think he asked if it was an intentional power push. And I said no.

To his response, “And you want the opposite. But you would never say anything”.

I think he is onto something.

And I hope that maybe I will finally get those desires I want out.

Because he is right. I would never say anything but I could write a novel of how to love a woman like me.

And boy, it’s not easy….

For now it’s just fun. But we’ll see where this goes.

I’m happy I gave technology a chance for once. I got a wicked surfing experience out of it – and the ride keeps going.

….Thanks Elon.

Who are you?

Kidding.

I guess if I ever have a following, not that I am purposely looking for one – I think a proper into of myself would deem to be somewhat useful.

More than anything this blog is for me to go back one day and see how much I have changed over the years.

I hope to regularly keep up with this and try to write weekly. Or at least update every now and then.

So who am I?

I am human.

I exist in this exciting world we are all trying to figure out.

I have good days.

I have bad days.

I am someone who thinks they are somewhat funny – but usually ends up not so much.

I think I am more witty than funny.

I can be snarky.

I believe in astrology. #scopriogang #ganggang

I’m very intuitive.

I believe in various types of people.

And have a lot of patience for people.

I am an ENTJ-A type.

“The Commander”

I can be bossy.

Assertive.

Strong willed and strong minded.

but I also take things personally and can get defensive.

I like philosophy, psychology and anything that makes your brain tick.

I like TedTalks.

Recently have been listening to a lot of Joe Rogan podcasts.

Music is everything for me.

I like to analyse things in great depths.

I love extremely human and transparent interactions.

I love to explore.

Nature.

Gardening.

Concerts and music festivals.

I like getting out of my comfort zone and pushing others to do the same.

I like slightly breaking small laws.

Skateboarding and graffiti.

Specifically climbing things I shouldn’t.

Tresspassing.

Or going to areas I shouldn’t.

Trespassing definitely is an addiction for a curious mind.

I want to climb some skyscrapers like those crazy parkour kids do.

I am not afraid of heights.

But not a fan of most roller coasters. Although there are some I tolerate.

I like driving fast cars and taking hard turns.

I like drifting too.

It’s really fun drifting in the snow.

But I prefer warm weather usually.

I want to get more into graffiti.

That being said, I love art….. I really, REALLY love art.

Street art, Prints, Pottery, Mechanics, a neat design for a car, motorcycle, anything, anything at all that requires creativity – I’m in.

If its beautiful and complex – I love it. Same goes for people.

Old art.

New art.

Architecture.

My brain moves at a million miles an hour most times.

I can’t sit still very well. At least my mind can’t.

I love expanding my vocabulary.

To look up words and implement them into everyday conversations.

I don’t know why.

I get a great deal of satisfaction from being around anything, or anyone intelligent.

I would love to pick Elon Musk’s Brain or Shepherd Fairey.

But I’m also very lucky to have such fascinating friends to easily pick their brains too.

I love great writing. Exerpts and theories.

I love to read and wish I did it more like when I was a kid.

Did I mention again, I love art???

I have such a great art collection.

I partake in the arts myself.

I recently started surfing.

I like to long board.

I would like to join a high speed downhill longboarding group.

Yes, with helmets, knee pads, sliding gloves… heavy duty… all that.

I would also like to get my own motorcycle someday. A cafe racer or bobber.

I would like to learn the art of slack lining.

In high school I wanted to be a tattoo artist and own a hookah bar.

I really like quality tattoos. I have a few and certainly want more. A sleeve and the opposite leg covered.

In elementary school I wanted to be a CIA or FBI secret agent and drive around in a Porsche.

Now I want to be a project manager in the music industry. Maybe work at a venue or be on tour. Work with booking venues or booking artists. Either flip side works for me. I just want to stay busy and love my job.

Going to a concert every night wouldn’t be too bad either.

I don’t know what car I would like now.

I like a lot of cars.

Jeep wranglers.

An old white Jeep Cherokee.

A white 70s F-150.

An old 911.

A 2016 Toyota 4 runner.

A 2016 GTR.

A nice M series.

A black 1967 Chevy Impala with red seats

A black 60s Camaro and a burgundy Mustang.

The 2016 Mustangs are nice too.

An old classy Cadillac with the gnarly tail lights.

Or a new Cadillac CTS-V Coupe?

An old land rover or range rover.

Needless to say I love cars too…. There’s a lot of cars I would want.

I’m a car head.

I know a thing or two about cars. And can fix a thing or two.

I am an only child.

I have a dog. (There are a lot of dogs I would want too…lol)

I’m kinda an introverted extrovert?

A night owl trying to be a morning person. (And with practice it’s kinda working out)

I am a walking oxymoron…

Or just enigmatically eclectic as one special individual once told me.

I fall in love easily. But I don’t know who I would want to be with forever.

Maybe I fall in love easily only because I yearn to be loved in return.

I love a good conversation.

A fun debate.

But I also enjoy the silence.

I like walking in nature.

I like looking at the stars.

I like to blast music and pretend it’s the soundtrack to my life in that given moment.

I don’t do too well with movies. The ADD again. It has to be a great movie.

I prefer older movies. My favorites are horror movies or classics.

I’m very organized. OCD and I keep a clean and tidy living space. I blame my mother for that…. but also thank her. Clutter is annoying.

My mother and I were best friends.

I like my jewelry.

Gems and rocks fascinate me.

I never liked Diamonds growing up until I worked at a fine jewelry store and learned their true beauty.

But now that I think about it…. maybe the diamonds are just accentuating the jewelry item itself?

I do like shapes and aesthetically pleasing things. So that would make sense.

I specifically like Victorian and Art Deco jewelry.

I like old 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s posters and prints for movies and music festivals or concerts.

I like Moroccan tiles.

I am fascinated with India and big bazzars/markets.

I would love to go to Japan, Thailand, and India one day.

Honestly a lot of countries in Asia.

I am a major foodie.

The only thing I will not eat is canned meat/fish/anything that looks funky out of a can. And capers are kinda too salty for me.

Lastly I cannot do anchovies or any fish with a million bones. You can tell me it melts in your mouth and the bones dissolve but it weirds me out.

Otherwise I eat just about everything. Not a picky eater!

One day, I want to swim with a blue whale. Maybe while pregnant with my first child.

I love the ocean.

I want 2…..3…..4….. children. The number keeps growing.

And to think just a year ago I did not want any kids my entire life until the point my mother passed away.

Kinda Bi-curious. Certainly going through a gay phase right now. But will end up with a man most likely. Girls are sexy and beautiful but also crazy.

Going pixie cut in the summer. I think I have the balls to do it finally.

I love plants! They are also like children to me. I drove across the country with a few potted plants I have had over the years.

That being said, I have a green thumb. Just about anything will grow and live on my watch …..

I think I’m pretty nurturing.

Logical.

Not really your typical girl.

And yes I hate when I say that and then a funny look is thrown my way or eyes are rolled. I know my worth. It took years to get here and have a good relationship with myself.

I hate when people test me, underestimate me, categorize me, or talk down to me.

I also hate talking about age. Close friends know this is a thing for me.

I think age is irrelevant most times.

I like watching UFC or any MMA.

I recently got into Basketball.

Not a fan of football.

I grew up a swimmer.

I want to get into some serious hardcore yoga.

Recently started getting into calesthetics.

I can do 6 pull ups now and probably 7 chin ups.

I tend to over exaggerate with a lot of things just a pinch….sometimes.

So maybe …more like 5 pull ups and 6 chin ups. haha but at one point I could do ten!

I hate being WRONG.

So I can be kind vague sometimes. But also overly detailed sometimes.

I like people watching.

Analyzing.

….. and trying to figure them out.

…………………………I also can probably continue this at any given time.

And so I shall, when more comes to mind. Or maybe not.

I tend to change my mind a lot.

So I had a page back in high school.

I use to write A LOT back then.

You know, being a teen and blowing off some steam.

Parents, friends, boys, school, drama, grades, life….. whatever.

One day I hope I can find my old blog.

I use to call it “The Scandalous LifeStyle”.

Maybe watched too much Sex in the City growing up.

I always thought of myself wanting to get into something.

Trouble. Not much of it but enough for life to be interesting.

I think I bit the bullet with that one.

But instead of scandalous…. where everyone is talking about it….

It became more like – “The Overwhelming LifeStyle”.

Jokes aside, I still would like to think that life needs a little bit of spice to it.

No matter how old we are….

And so, I got older.

I grew up.

My definition of a scandalous lifestyle is different now.

And I use the term scandalous loosely…. not in it’s full serious form.

Just something that is fun and makes people go -“why would she do that?”

I don’t like most traditional things. I hate being put into a box. Certain stereotypes are frustrating (especially female ones), and a multitude of other things that just get under my skin.

I just like people to do things differently. To be unique. Clever. That’s all.

So why am I revising?

Well….

I guess this is my turning of the page.

And as much as society frowns upon saying positive things about ourselves…. I’d like to say a few things in spite of that.

Ooh how scandalous…. as I roll my eyes.

Does this make me selfish and full of myself for pointing out the great qualities I have?

No.

Cause believe me, I am the first to also bash myself with the negative things I need to work on.

Well let me tell you. I already know that…. we are humans. We are incredibly selfish and look out for only our own interests usually.

Any philosopher can tell you that……But I am kicking and screaming – hoping there is still some good left out there.

Maybe just because we have not crossed paths just yet, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

I’d like to think our society isn’t totally fucked.

I revise because that’s part of growing up. I am still myself in it’s entirety…. but I am a better version of it now.

I can live that scandalous…. exciting…. go with the flow…. “I change my mind a million times”…. lifestyle.

I once read a post from this female body builder “BadassCass” wrote something along the lines of….

“Don’t let them silence you. Don’t be afraid to be too “this” or too “that”. Why? Because then they round out all the edges… and then you loose your edge. You are no longer unique.”

That being said, I think the thing people tell me more than anything is that I act like such a know it all.

Which I’m not denying! I mean, obviously plenty of people have told me this before.

However, when I am silently a “know it all” somehow things tend to usually happen the way I thought they would. Strange. But when I say something with emphasis or giving any suggestion that I may know what the outcome will be – without it even happening yet…. I am, indeed, a know it all.

Funny how that works.

I know I can be a little overbearing.

I really push my strong qualities sometimes unintentionally. And talk about myself… or justify myself a lot for whatever reason….. (maybe because my parents never listened to me and I feel like people don’t listen to me much either).

This might come off as narcissitic.

However, I am not narcissistic. I have flaws and I can be a healthy amount of self conscious at times.

But yes, I am indeed a know it all.

I’ll own up to it.

But I wonder if I should be ashamed?

Per that great explanation of smoothing out the edges…. is this one I should smooth?

Maybe not.

I know that I have learned to gauge situations better with age.

I try not to push my ‘know it all’ attitude.

And if I am wrong? Well, I most certainly AM wrong and own up to that too.

Overall, as long as it doesn’t get to your head ( aka my head ) being a know it all isn’t that bad.

Especially because I have seen and experienced a lot in my life. A LOT.

I have also tackled, handled, twisted and turned a lot of complicated situations.

And more than anything – I have FAILED at a lot of things which have led me to know better.

That’s all.

Through my wonderful degree in failure I think I can justify my “know-it-all-ness”.

Either way, I think people just need to be more kind.

So you meet a person with a bold and robust personality who has some kinks? So what. Let them be. Let them shine and be themselves.

If they go out of line and need to be brought down to earth…. I get it….put them in place – but do so gently like Tibetan monks do with all the unenlightened.

Be graceful.

(Yes a “know it all” can be a kind/gentle know it all….. kinda like your mother.)

And that’s how I try to live my life in regards to other people.

I get bashed on a lot.

In high school I got teased a lot too.

It’s crazy to think how far I have come as a person.

As does anyone.

I like to revise every so often.

But still be true – be scandalous at heart 🙂

By definition to revise is to re-read work done previously to improve one’s knowledge of a subject.

We should revise our lives likewise. In order to improve our knowledge of ourselves and life in it’s entirety.

And with each personal revision, I find a happier and better version of myself.

You know when people say, “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone?”

I’d like to think that I always appreciate what I have. Especially when my mind I am living in a much better world than in reality.

But I guess all of that is subjective.

The other day I left my dog with my future roommate.

We had just finished looking at an apartment and I had an appointment scheduled to get a haircut.

So instead of going back and forth to take my dog home, I asked if he could watch him for about an hour and I would come right back and get him.

Now let me just begin to say that my dog is a special little thing. In every way possible. Special to me…. and also special as in, his brain… the way it works…. it really is a piece of work.

This dog is really attached to me. I already knew that. But I only realized how badly he was attached to me that day.

My roommie and the dog had met maybe twice. I thought that was enough but I was wrong. And the motherly instinct had a feeling….(yes motherly doesn’t just apply to human beings).

So I let my roommie have the leash.

I gave my dog his ball and portable water bowl.

Then I gave my dog a quick goodbye.

(Shorter than usual because I was in a hurry.)

I get in the car and drive off, looking back to make sure my baby was okay.

I saw he was looking around for me but did not think anything of it because I told him “I’ll be back”.

That’s one of his many words. He knows lots of short phrases.

“Mama will BE BACK buddy.”

Not even 5 minutes. I’m only a few lights away.

I get a panicked phone call.

“Hey, your dog is really freaking out. Can you help me bring him back up to my place? He won’t listen.”

“Yeah sure – just talk to him. I’m coming. I should have known.”

I turn around and then get another call. And this is where my heart sunk.

His voice was in sheer panic. I’ve never heard a guy ever sound so worried.

“HURRY! He chewed through the leash! He’s running away from me! I need to know where you are so I can tell you where to go!!”

My face felt like it went white and my stomach crumbled into an abyss.

All I thought was my dog, my kid….honestly the only family I have….Is out crossing the road somewhere about to get hit by a car.

I felt so helpless.

Pretty sure on the phone with my roommate I said a thing or two that made me realize the severity of my depression and the fact this dog is the only thing holding it together.

If anything happened to my dog……

Anything…..

I couldn’t even fathom the feeling that washed over me.

Somehow I wasn’t in tears. Just a blank state. Same when my mom died.

Then something came over me and it was fight or flight mode.

Again, why does my life always flip this switch on me…. why do we need to test me all the time.

I tell my future roommate to put his phone on speaker.

“BUDDY! HEY! COME HERE.” I said ….hopefully sounding more angry than terrified.

I wish I had saw what exactly my dog did in that moment.

I started calling his name over the phone. Told him to come here. Once he stopped running, I kept comforting him over the phone and told him “mama is coming back, I’ll be back, stay there! I’m coming back, ok? Be a good boy! STAY! ….STAY. RIGHT. THERE.”

Dammnit. Thinking to myself this fucking dog. Why is he so smart…..

My roomate said it worked. He got a hold of him and he started calming down.

Eventually he explained where they were located. A few blocks down.

Down a few streets, few intersections, and at damn bus station where my dog ran over the tracks.

Somehow I managed to find them.

I jump over a fence and walk over to my worried dog who compulsively licks my face and jumps all over me. Poor boy was quite terrified.

The guy looked terrified too. Look on his face was just as white as mine.

“THANK YOU! Oh my god… I’m so sorry.”

“Thank you so much for chasing him and not loosing sight of him.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

I gave him a ride back to his place. Apologized a million times and said that it’s not his fault. I left my dog with basically a stranger. He did not know you very well. He lost his mom and started freaking out.

I can’t believe he chewed through his leash. His leash……..wow.

I guess if he wants something…. he’s going to get it for sure.

Later, I drove the whole way in silence.

My dog at one point jumped into the front seat. He looked at me with his ears pressed and his back turned against me.

I started tearing up. The feeling finally hit me.

I was angry, sad, and relieved. I think he knew that.

And I now knew why moms get so angry…..because they love you so much.

I talked to him and tried to explain in a very cave-man-like way, that he needed to stay…. and that I have never lied to him when I say “I’ll be back.”

Maybe he didn’t hear me when I left him.

I thought my short goodbye was probably because of being late to my haircut appointment – but in reality, I think I felt a little embarrassed of how much I talk to my dog.

But why? So stupid on my part.

People who don’t have a strong bond with an animal – they don’t understand. They tend to laugh and think you’re crazy or weird.

But I think I can connect with almost any animal, that is, given enough time.

And I also think people can be really stupid for laughing.

I’m not mad at the roommie.

I just don’t think a lot of millennials realize (or care) that you can interact with other beings other than humans….and especially other than your stupid smart phone and social media.

Jane Goodall was able to connect with apes that could tear her head off and play soccer with it.

Marine biologists are tracking specific animals and monitoring their behaviors.

Zoologists and other animal lovers are able to have relationships with animals that are being rehabilitated.

Connect.

Don’t show fear.

Be slow.

Learn about the creature.

You are on THEIR pace.

And once there is a bond – It’s a beautiful thing.

On second thought – maybe this guy didn’t know what to do with a panicked puppy.

Maybe the ego of kneeling down and talking to an animal like a human seemed too degrading.

I remember on the phone telling him to talk to my dog. Tell him I am coming. Specifically “mama will be back.”

My dog knows who mama is.

And he knows “be back”.

So simple.

And when I heard him say that while being on the phone – those words coming out of his mouth just did not seem natural.

Or comforting.

Just panicked. So much of it. I felt it through the phone.

I switched to full dog mom mode on speaker with my baby and did not care what anyone thought.

Dogs sense fear. Dogs sense discomfort.

So do other animals.

My dog knew my voice. And he heard that I was calm on the phone. I was giving him commands over the phone. Wow… who would of thought he would listen? *much sarcasm intended*

So why is it that humans nowadays cannot slow down.

We are so, “go-go-go” that no one seems to try and observe animal behavior or just body language, surroundings, etc….. Just to a pane freeze and forget what you are doing.

Capture this little three by five.

Study the details.

Then eventually learn to do it quickly and with each encounter or situation.

This works in so many settings.

How is this person breathing?

How close are they to me – or to anyone? Are they leaning on something? Do they look tense?

People, animals, anything…. WHAT ENERGY is being exerted. What does it feel like?

You can tell so much without words.

And people lack this skill.

What a shame.

If only people would put down their phones.

Put down their ego.

Really tune into things.

I think that would help aid in human to human interactions…connections… and human to animal interactions.

We are so disconnected!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I see this on such a regular basis it is soul crushing.

Just listen. And go at the other person/animal/etc… pace.

And be calm. Learn to control and assess the situation.

So next time, I think I won’t worry that people think I’m a crazy animal person. Because there are people like myself.

I saved a bird the other day. Picked it right off the ground without it noticing. Caused it no stress and relocated it to a safer area.

A woman I work with everyday goes and feeds the squirrels. She calls them from the palm trees and recognizes certain ones. They recognize her too.

They have a small bond. They have a trust. They know all she does is comes to feed them almonds or peanuts.

And that is all.

My dog knows a lot more about people than those squirrels.

Just for perspective.

And I’m sure elephants and blue whales are even smarter but people dismiss them as intelligence animals and hunt and kill them or use them in the circus. Torture them.

Makes me so sad how ignorant people are to animals. They do not even TRY to connect……aka talk but not talk to this animal. If that makes any sense.

Energy is everything.

And I wish to connect with even more animals.

Why?

Because animals are much easier to understand than humans.

They always will be…..

They are loyal once you have a bond. They trust. And their emotions are so straightforward – out in the open with nothing to hide. No judgment.

I don’t think I need to explain more.

I’m sure we have all felt this way at one point or the other.

“Life? If you can hear me……if such higher powers exist…..Why…. Why, oh, why do you keep TESTING ME ALL THE TIME?”

asdfksaldfjkshdfjkhsdgjksdhfjkdhfjksdhf;

Makes me twist, and turn, and shake like someone experiencing a gnarly exorcism at times.

But seriously, in all reality can life for real cut me a break?

It’s one thing, right after another.

My mom dies.

I quit my job of six years.

My long time boyfriend and I break up.

I get two completely new jobs. One in a totally new industry.

I sleep on an awful blow up mattress in an empty apartment for 5 months.

….My back is probably still fucked from that.

I set a goal to move to California Summer 2018.

Closer to the month I want to leave, I get excited. Tell some folks at work.

Go on vacation for an extended weekend to Myrtle Beach.

Come back with my boss barking at me and asking how my vacation was. Then he instantly lets me go knowing I have to move in the next few months.

……Says it’s company policy if they know someone will be leaving.

What happened to a courtesy two weeks? I have to give you one….? But you can just let me go like that?

Shit man.

The other job treats me like garbage till my last day. I scrape what I can for this mega big, life changing move across the country.

I do the immensely long drive to the west coast. How that went fairly smooth? (minus my credit card taking a serious dent)…. I really dunno.

Takes me 2 months to get a job. Thank goodness for longtime family friends who were being so generous with letting me stay. (6 months later I am still here). UGH!

Anyway, I get a job at a resort. Beautiful place. I have THE best schedule ever but I don’t make too much money either.

Bummer.

In the meantime while trying to find a better job, I explore, surf, and play with my dog on my free time.

Eventually my recruiter finds me a day job!!! WOO.

Even more so the promise of a creative job! I get to design furniture from the early concept phases to the final concept! How cool!?

LIES.

All lies.

I basically sit behind a desk all day and code SKU numbers for various furniture combos to go on their eCommerce site.

This is where I realize working 9-5 is so miserable.

They even wanted me to put in more hours than 9-5 too. It was an awful job with no room for growth. Just more mindless busy work to do.

To think I once wanted a 9-5……. I’ll pass now.

Then the massive fires in Malibu, Thousand Oaks, Oxnard, Newbury Park and Simi break out.

Pretty much fires everywhere.

It was bad.

I woke up that Friday morning with lots of road closures and crazy traffic alerts. The fire in our area was only a few miles away from the house and I refused to leave my child with four paws home alone.

So I call out of work. The woman I live with advised that this would be the right choice.

I agree.

Work says that’s fine. I called ahead and explained what was going on.

It’s totally fine……

WRONG!

I recruiter calls me later that afternoon asking why I did not show up for work.

She understands and sympathies but says I got fired.

Said I was not the “right fit”.

Damn right! I was miserable! The “right fit” would be a fucking monkey staring at Excel spreadsheets doing number combinations and configurations all day. Not me.

I don’t know how I lasted there one month.

Longest month of my life somehow…..

It’s Thanksgiving. I go back to the east coast to see mama’s grave and I thought I would be nice to see some friends…..

Turned out no one cared I was back.

Lovely.

I’m in the Denver airport on a layover on the way back from my trip.

My recruiter said she got another job for me. Starts tomorrow 9am.

Something along the lines of event planning for holiday parties at this big cooperate company.

Sure – I need a job. Why not? It’s 8pm in Denver but whatever I’ll be at work tomorrow 9am. I can do this.

Turns out the job is amazing…..buuuuuut I am a temp employee. So who knows how long they will keep me.

I’d like to stay for good, I really would.

Everyone is so nice.

We get free food every Friday and massages every Wednesday.

I like my desk.

I like the view.

I like my boss.

I like my job.

I really like my job.

…….and although I hate 9-5….. I can get use to it.

I want to make everything work out.

Just in case, I looked for a weekend job bartending.

I ended up getting one fairly quickly.

I explain I have a Monday through Friday 9-5 job as well.

They schedule me 10pm-3am on Fridays and Saturdays.

It’s a high volume bar in Downtown Ventura.

SCORE! I somehow get primo shifts as a new girl? Yeah-Yuh!

It works so great with my schedule. I think I can now get my own place!

I manage to find some decently priced apartments…. Rent is so expensive in LA solo….needed a roommate or else I would die on my own probably. Nothing was at all affordable. I would not get approved for sure.

I find a roomie. The guy seems excited and we set boundaries. Start talking serious.

I send him some links. He sends some back.

I make plans to tour some places……

He goes MIA.

Few weeks later says he can’t be my roommate.

DAMN IT.

One step at a time……

Another week goes by…..

I manage to find another roommate though a friend. He has a complex.

A very nice luxury apartment complex. Kind of what I left back east.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think moving to Cali I would have a nice place to live at for at least a few years. But here it was…dangling over my head.

No way it could be true….

I’m still skeptical. We’re supposed to move in mid February. (We’ll see how this goes.)

I start making spreadsheets and over the top budget plans that I learned from my previous management experience.

The job I worked at for six years.

I guess some skills came in handy?

Numbers are starting to look good between my two jobs and his killer discount on the apartment he gets through his company.

No way things are working out finally…..

No. Friggin. Way.

I call my best friend. I’m sitting in the car watching the rain for the 4th day straight. Things are happening man….. can I finally relax and go on autopilot?

I think so.

NOPE!

MOTHER FUCKER. Face to the palm.

My boss from the bar calls me and says that they loved me, I am super nice, blah blah blah….. however, “I am not the right fit”.

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!

Is that like some code word employer use when they don’t know what else to say? Are they short on payroll? Do they just want to free up some space? Is it something personal??? WHAT IS IT? Like what do you mean?

UGH.

Says I can pick up my last check whenever.

Now I have exactly one month to find a new bar job.

And here…..we……go……

When one door closes another door opens.

But when you keep going in and out of doors every few weeks….. the doors really starts to slam in your face…….

Geeze……

Cut me a break already.

This next door I hope is wide open…. and then I’m going to lock myself inside and swallow the key.

I’d say all in all, this girl is just really tired of set backs and having to always improvise.

My tombstone would probably say, “I’ll figure it out somehow.”

Really looking forward to the day I can just be on autopilot.

One month to make it just centimeters away from where I need to be.

Now if the stars could just align right…..

To be continued……..