Longest title ever, yeh.
Ok so morbid subject 100%.
And even more-so for me because I can relate and I understand a little differently than even a fucking shrink would.
Yesterday, during work, early in the morning, someone jumped off the building across from ours.
We heard the screams and we heard the sound.
It was terrible.
No one really realized what happened until we saw a body laying on the ground. No gore. We were all just confused. Then the ambulance showed up shortly after and rushed the person away.
During that time it looked as though they covered their entire body and face – like when someone dies. But they also rushed them into the ambulance.
At that point my office mates and I were not sure if this person actually died or not.
But two things kept buzzing in the room.
#1.) The questioning…..Why would someone kill themselves? How selfish are they on their loved ones to do that? Do they hate life that much?
#2.) Then the aftermath….the poor family and loved ones. How sad that a life was lost.
So you’re going to be a hypocrite every time and say, how dare they? but how sad?
How about just pick one stance? Are you going to judge them or empathize?
I don’t think doing both is very fair.
But that’s not even the issue.
All day everyone was talking about it. I even chimed in at times, although I usually would not.
It’s a sensitive subject.
Yes.
One that I don’t want to talk about for my own personal reasons.
So what happens?
That afternoon, tons of emails are sent about “how to cope with stress” “how to cope with depression” the EAP plan, etc…etc…etc….we get it.
But the worst thing was that we had a meeting the next day about it.
And sure, this may help for some people. But not everyone. ( I fall into the category of folks that DO NOT want to talk about it….especially if it is forced.)
So early this morning HR comes by and kinda just checks in with everyone.
I’m thinking, “cool, no biggie – just doing your due diligence.” I get that. I’m pretty damn understanding.
Then I go to use the restroom and when I come back to my suite – everyone is gone.
No one is at their desk with the exception of one guy who was just on the way out as I was coming in.
He looks at me and says, “Hey. They’re having a meeting next door about the incident.”
And naturally, I think “meeting”….oh, ok I need to go to that.
I start walking with him and neither of us say anything.
Then it hit me….
WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I ATTEND SOMETHING LIKE THAT IF I DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT IT.
So my ass turns around mid way to the conference room and I just casually go back to our other suite where my desk is.
I felt no shame in being the only one at my desk.
I thought, oh well – they’ll probably ask why I didn’t go and I’ll say I did not know about it…. I assumed everyone went to lunch or something. I dunno… I can squirm out of most situations. And if I had to be honest, I would simply say I was not comfortable with it.
So what happens?
The cooperate HR woman finds me… and says there is a meeting. I said, “I know”.
And the conversation went like so –
“You should come join us.”
“No thanks”
“Why?”
“Not my cup of tea, I don’t really feel comfortable doing that.”
“But your co workers want to make sure you’re ok. This is a team thing.”
“Do I have to go?”
*she doesn’t answer my question*
“Your co workers would really appreciate your support.”
WHY IS THIS WOMAN GUILT TRIPPING ME. I SAID I DON’T WANT TO!!!! WTF.
So off I went.
Arrived awkwardly as I was the last person to sit at this big biased pow wow table. All eyes on me.
The meeting proceeded like so….
Each person said their name, and what they were feeling, and how they saw it.
LIKE A FUCKING AA MEETING. Jesus.
Let me just say I was so tense and uncomfortable as I said a million times.
I was angry and frustrated. Irritated and annoyed.
So everyone did their little speech. And in between each person speaking this shrink our HR person hired to talk about the event, kept expressing these biased opinions on suicidal people.
I wanted to punch her.
The things coming out of her mouth were so wrong! Not all suicidal people are the same. Full disclosure – I say that from experience.
Not every suicidal person is this miserable, moping, sad piece of shit who thinks life sucks!!!! Believe it or not you have the casually suicidal people who at any given time may want to quit. Take the easy way out. Life is too hard no matter how nice and beautiful it is.
Suicidal people are not all immensely depressed and sad the moment they decide to end their life. Some are frustrated, mostly tired, and even MAD at times with life.
I click with only one other person who is just like me in this regard.
We came up with the term “casually suicidal”….because it crosses your mind a lot but it’s never bad enough to do something…..yet. Or maybe never at all. Who knows? But one day it might get to the point where you are just so fed up with all the bullshit and you keep trying, and trying, and trying….that now – you’re just so tired, and DONE, and mad. You don’t want to do it anymore.
And guilt tripping a suicidal person about the effects of their death to their family is a MAJOR no-no. That makes a “casually suicidal” person either escalate their anger… or push to not care even more. At the core of it, I think they feel as though either not enough people care about them. Or don’t care enough. Perhaps suicidal people just need to be showered with love 24/7 and that’s exhausting for anyone. It’s needy. I agree.
But that’s going to work better than guilt tripping.
Either way, but by saying “oh what about your loved ones and family” is not going to make them change their mind or perspective. Yeah, I guess you could call it selfish but they’re also battling with their brain literally attacking them.. not even on their own terms… SO ARE THEY REALLY SELFISH? Or is your judgment selfish?
Think about it.
No offense with all due respect. FUCK people who don’t get it. You as the non suicidal judging person. You can’t say those things! That’s like saying… oh how selfish that a person drove at night and got into a car accident. Shit happens. I did not decide to have a brain like this. It just happened. I did not decide to have a life like mine which makes me mad and depressed and suicidal…..It. Just. Happens.
And you gotta learn to deal with it sometimes. Hence the casually suicidal folks like myself.
Strong enough not to do it…. but weak enough to know your brain has those thoughts. And if you let your guard down one day…. maybe you will do it.
Maybe it will get to that point ….. maybe it will not. But when you hear how biased and how incredibly incorrect even these “professional” counselors are…. it’s sad.
Suicide is a crazy thing. It’s insane to think that on average 123 people A DAY in the Unites States alone commit suicide.
To think that ONE MILLION people worldwide commit suicide every year is even crazier. I guess maybe that’s one way of mother nature/evolution/survival of the fittest….whatever you want to call it goes into play.
But yes, it’s still a life.
I guess if you want to get philosophical with it, then does every life matter? Is it worth saving those folks?
To be honest, and this is my…no so very humble opinion….probably not.
Why?
At the end of the day, a shrink really probably won’t help that many people. Just like motivational speeches only do so much. YOU have to want to do it. YOU have to want to NOT kill yourself. Sure, maybe does that mean you have a mental illness and need some help, sure! Seek it if you need it. Or train your brain to deal with the anxieties.
Some things work. Some things don’t.
And if someone does commit suicide, as sad as it may be… at least they are not suffering anymore.
In an ideal world it would be so incredibly nice to have those people live a life without pain…without having to end their life, of pain.
Who know’s if it’s for better or worse. But prodding at a person who is suicidal does not help – and prodding at the aftermath does not help either. Let it be. Sure, as a non-suicidal bystander talk it out if you need to with others….but sometimes the victim just need to figure things out on their own. And believe me, YOU are not the victim. You are not suicidal. The poor guy or girl with a war zone in their brain is the true victim.
Choosing the fight to live is one of those things. Everyone wants it, some not as much as others – but it’s their choice. Their body. Their life. Just like abortion laws.
But such is life. And that’s the way things work out sometimes…..
Battles are not always won. And in the end, the world will always continue moving.
Scandalous Lifestyle, Revised 