That residual post break up sting really creeps up on you in the most random moments.
Over it, then not over it.
I’m sure you’ve been there too.
On one hand, getting over things quickly is good. You don’t get a chance to ruminate. But I sure do enjoy ruminating in my feelings.
I feel them so deeply. Remember that I am alive.
But sometimes I know getting over something too quickly means you never really sat with that feeling for long enough.
This morning I was listening to a TikTok livestream about addiction.
The guy captioned: “Is addiction really a disease or is it low emotional intelligence passed down as generational trauma”
Like a dad consistently over the years saying “hey son, toughen up, no crying around here”
The livestreamer claimed that because addicts are disregulated in their approach to things, over spending, over doing things, drinking too much, abusing substances, rage, depression, leaning too far in one direction right?
I get that idea…. go on…
Leaning too far in one direction. Could that be a facet of emotional intelligence?
Or is it plain and simple, discipline? Emotional discipline.
Because you can actually be very emotionally intelligent. Pick up on sublte ques. Read the room, etc…
But not have the capacity to internally say, “Hey I need to actually stop this pattern”
Because repeating a pattern over and over and expecting a different outcome is quite literally the definition of insanity!
Having the discipline to stop the pattern, even when it’s uncomfortable, is truly breaking the addiction.
So I think, and always have thought this, addiction is the lack of emotional discipline and abundance of excuses.
My father for instance. The most disciplined military man, just like many military men who are PTSD’d out – tend to have drinking or substance abuse problems.
They think, well I’m so hard, and so disciplined everywhere else, that means this area of my life is a pass.
“I can stop when I want to.”
But they never actually want to.
Leaning too hard in that direction again without an end.
Then the livestream started talking about the other addictions.
We pinpoint alchoholics and addicts the most.
What about workoholics?
“yea my dad was such a drunk and never provided for the family, I will never be like him – “
Meanwhile, they are never emotionally or physically there for their family.
“Yea if I work hard enough I will get XYZ and then finally feel better about myself, I will feel good enough, and about where I am at in life. If I work hard enough people will see that I am also good enough….I am capable” (validation, attention, earned love, etc.. a trauma response to healing something: ie guilty for not doing something enough at one point in life?)
Is that any better? They make excuses that they are doing the “right thing”. Grinding, hustling, working hard… but there is no end. Why does anyone lean so hard in one direction?
Chasing that high. To feel good.
Then sure there are shopaholics, gambling addictions, etc… when money starts to dwindle down because of the habit. You get a high for the new thing, and then feel low when you feel guilty for that thing.
You feel high at first with that first drink, first hit, first commission you make, first milestone –
But then you do it again and again and out comes the low.
And why the low? because guilt creeps in.
We lie to ourselves and make excuses that we are not disregulated, especially when people compare themselves to drug addicts and alcoholics.
Some people are even chaos addicts.
Life will be going great for so long. So peaceful. Life and relationships going well…. and boom they gotta find something to go fuck up. Because chaos is what they grew up with and that’s the only version of love they know.
So riddle me this then.
What’s my addiction then?
I do not like chaos in the home and in my relationships.
I do not necessarily have a drug addiction or drinking problem. Always been able to manage that. Weed just sorta was the hardest one to quit. But I always pushed through once I really was ready to. And I stuck with it when I set a goal.
Yes you can have a healthy relationship with all these things, but again we are talking about the disregulated person thinking it’s ok.
Even people who hit the gym and revolve their lives around it.
Some people are addicted to sports, being the best one, landing the trick, winning the game every time. The high, the high!!!! Hitting the gym. Gymaholics! Get more weight on the rack, be stronger, be better, hit more reps, look good, validate yourself, feel good about doing it so intensely.
Some people have an sheer addiction to validation.
I mean I feel pretty validated because I know all that I have accomplished and who I am and the end of the day, so I love and trust myself. I don’t need anyone to validate me or what I do. I also realize bodies change just like seasons.
So I ask myself what do I lean so heavily on like a drug? We all have it.
Love? yea I guess so. But not even just love. I think it’s just closeness.
I never had it in my life. It would always be breif periods of it. On and off.
Nobody ever stuck around or kept their morals in check enough for me to stick around.
So let’s say I am addicted to closeness.
And I don’t have it as much as I would like.
Similar to a drug. You want it all the time.
It’s because something is lacking.
You chase the drug because you’re stressed or feeling feelings or lack of feelings. Your emotions are disregulated so you do the booze thing or the drug thing.
Now, why do you do I chase the closeness? Because I never felt close enough. Even with my mom, we were so close but there always felt like some sort of distance like she wouldn’t fully let me in, although she loved me so much.
It’s like the friend that always gives you the half ass hug.
So the solution is managing the desire of closeness? Not wanting it so much or so often?
Fuck man… but that almost feels similar to fighting tears, no?
The desire to be close seems way more innate than the desire to get fucked up?
But ok, with that theory in mind, don’t chase and don’t be so obsessed with that one thing. That is true regulation. That is truly not being addicted.
Do not chase the closeness Julie.
That sucks.
Instead practice crying. Because you know what? Even someone addicted to crying probably should realize it’s unhealthy to do that all the time.
I yes, don’t cry enough. Never was allowed. Never was the right time.
However, now is the time. I gotta process being wronged twice and realize it was all addiction and mental health fucking things up.
Red wasn’t a bad person. He’s just a disregulated person.
How do you trust someone after all that?
I love him so much. More than I realized in the moment.
I couldn’t let this ship sink and take me down too. I had to do the hard and right thing. Because I cared so much, it was going to kill me too. (Or least take years of my life) So letting him go sucked, and then getting hurt again for letting him go?
That really fucking hurt.
And it all still fucking hurts. It hurts so badly.
I still love him actually. But – I need the love I had poured back into me.
And I can’t hope he’s gonna do it. I’d be so mad at myself for getting played a third time.
So this is where I need to actively keep choosing to let him go.
I have learned the opposite real well: how to continue choosing someone my whole life. Choosing through flaws and potential.
But this, this hard choice, is the period of my life lesson where I have to continue choosing to not have someone in my life.
What a fucking shitty situation when you love somebody.
Knowing someone is not good for you.
Knowing that losing trust is quick, and earning it is forever.
Something that may never end up getting earned back anyway.
So why the fuck hold onto that love?
Why can’t I be like I was with John?
Maybe John and I had something real, and Red and I had something we wanted.
“We’ll always have Paris” quote from Casablanca
Maybe that’s the same for this situation.
We’ll always have Ventura………….
K
now I go cry into a pit of never ending abyss.
Choosing the greater cause, the greater good hurts more than the movie Casablanca ever could portray.
If I were them, I would have cried way more on that World War flight goodbye.
Paris had closure. Ventura, I don’t think it ever did.
Where did this wisdom out of nowhere come from? Choosing love is easy, choosing to let go is harder than hell.
Same goes for choosing that addiction.
Love is the worst one.
I just wish he knew how bad it hurts me. I don’t like this life lesson one bit.
This pain is the equivalent to my moms death and I don’t think I ever will fully get over it.
Wish we just broke up in January and he never landed in the hospital and I never saw him afterwards.
Sure it’s a great story, and that’s sadly where it will have to live forever.
Get well twin flame.
Sometimes loving someone deeply still doesn’t make the relationship survivable.
That’s a brutal lesson. But it’s a real one.
Scandalous Lifestyle, Revised 